All arrogance is false

Arrogance. Its connotation is stronger & more virulent than its
denotation. This masks its true meaning. That is what leads to a host
misinterpretations.
Arrogance is not confidence: I see confidence as the logical outcome
of personal certainty based on experiences that have proved one right.
There're a lot of people described as arrogant. Sadly, I've often been
among them. It still humbles my imagination. When I say I want
something a certain way, I mean I want it a certain way. Other
people's uncertainties are not my problem. In my professional
capacities, I've been described as arrogant, aloof, a snob...& it
makes me less charitable towards my colleagues. Radio station, bank
branch, magazines... I actually started to worry that I might have a
personality disorder. Right now, if I have a disorder, I'm enjoying
it. Immensely!
Arrogance is not passion: The mental pictures I have of passion are
myriad. A couple determined to have their first baby. Liverpool
defeating AC Milan from a deficit of 3-0 (what a comeback!). My
girlfriend's kiss when we thought we were going to get married (I
thought anyway, I was young &...). My rage at a guy mocking my
girlfriend's name. A sports bar during an EPL match with the top 5
clubs. A man not ready to settle for less from his team when all the
chips are on the table. Jose Mourinho when his team scores a goal (he
forgets himself & becomes a child again). I end the examples with him
because he's called arrogant. But he's done his homework, he's prepped
his team, & he's reasoned out the outcome he's satisfied with. His
record of never losing a match at home stands across Porto, Chelsea &
Inter Milan(7 frigging years, o!). He's passionate, not arrogant.
Arrogance is not talent: All sorts of strengths & intelligence (which
manifest themselves as talent) are misconstrued to be arrogance. Being
aware of your talent helps with your sense of self-worth. Your
abilities lend you confidence. Most importantly, your talent makes
room for you socially in terms of being in your own element. Sometimes
some people who are borderline autistic relate with other people only
via this talent (just had a brain fart of an autistic armed robber.
Just a brain fart.). Anyone with a firm grasp of his talent will
choose to stick with what he knows & grow it. It is also known as
focus.

I wrote this as I considered many things done in the name of
confidence, passion etc, that were attributed to arrogance on my part
as well as on the part of most of you guys. It isn't something to
spend your wakeful awareness on. Rather it is possibly the point at
which arrogance must reveal itself. With intelligence comes a
necessary arrogance. Like the doppler effect, or the dual
(wave-particulate) nature of light. When light is dispersed, there's
an attedant effect that follows.
Intelligence...is a necessary tool for the advancement of mankind that
also separates mankind.
Maybe this is my manifestation of arrogance...maybe.

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What draws us to mysteries?

The opposite of curiosity is negligence. Not an original idea of mine.
It was Michel de Montaigne.
Ignorance is a deadly disease. The prospects of ignorance lead to poor
decisions, avoidable troubles, losses, pain, fear, & a lot of things
comparable to death or degrees of it. I will give a few personal,
albeit murky, examples:
I didn't know that my way of thinking doesn't even occur to people who
don't share my point of view. The effort I put into appreciating
theirs wasn't worth reciprocation to them.
I was ignorant of people's vices. I don't term the more obvious like
smoking or drinking alcohol as seperate from the more covert vices
like mastrubation, or cocaine. A vice is a terrible device used by an
individual who willfully surrenders his life to anything that's
ungodly or not God. Workaholics are included in this. The painful
truth is still the truth. It is what lies ipso facto, that is to say,
the fruits or results of such vices that makes them obviously wrong or
evil.
If one is not curious about the things one engages in, then you can
say the person is negligent. Of course it can be extended to
interactions with other people, but it still boils down to negligence.
I've been negligent of many things, & it was borne of the choice of
not making it a priority to understand better where I was in life &
why I did what I did.
You have to ask questions of yourself. Many personal issues we have to
UNDERSTAND our way out of. Like irrational dependency on the opinions
of others. It's is good to get the opinions of others, but there are
those of us who literally freeze until someone else approves of their
moves or decisions.
I humbly submit this in the hope that someone will have a clearer
view, based on experience (1st or 2nd hand experiences count).
Being nosy is unhealthy curiousity. I don't like nosy people & I've
been most uncharitable towards them. I'm somewhat apologetic about
that, but not too. Like the chap who accosted me over a favorite
t-shirt of mine (it was old, faded. I wore it only at night on campus.
It said 'No more Mr. Nice guy, on your knees bitch'. You'd think he'd
take a hint). I looked him squarely in the face & said, " I like this
T-shirt. It's old, yes. But it has more character than some people I
know."
Poor dear, took him to 2 days to catch the bullet. I know because it
took him that long to start avoiding me. Hee hee hee! (wiping a tear
from my left eye)

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What's worth remembering?

The prescribed approach to the past, by Apostle Paul, is to count as
worth nothing when compared to knowing Christ. Been thinking about
that. All successes, failures, joys, pains, epiphanies, depression,
highs, lows...to be regarded as nothing. I used a euphemism.
Apparently, not that he cursed or swore, but he said he regards it as
'dung' which in our current vocabulary is 'shit'. I'm with him on
that.
My common entrance exam score... I don't remember. But I hit the
national list, both times. My Jss scores... I don't remember, but I
did make it across. My SSCE scores...vaguely. I don't count it
important these days. My first 1,000 disappointments...nah, don't
recall. My first 5,000 joys...nope.
Why is this? As human beings, we're designed to forget so we can move
on. And we don't, because we're mostly unsure of what we are to move
on to. That's where this gem comes up. Count it all as dung. An
unattractive waste...when compared to knowing Christ.
Why am I, a broken toy, an unaimed arrow, a strange head...speaking of
this? I'm certain that the first time we used our eyes, forced them to
focus without even knowing how to do so, it hurt. It felt like an
aberration, but it was the next step to being who we really were.
That's what it feels like where I am right now. So many things have
brought me to my true mind. The mind that counts all achievements as
dung, so I can reach out towards who I really am.
There are a few things that I know I'm not. I know I'm not a player
(no ahems, Yegwa. Please do not spoil my market.lol!), that is, I'm a
serial monogamist. I know I'm not a soldier...not certain if I can
kill, but would do everything in my power to avoid such a situation. I
know I'm not a business tycoon. I know that I'm not gay. I know I'm
not unkind, cruel (in its truest connotaton), unfair, sane (as in,
conventional boxed thinking) or very stupid.
Good, bad and very ugly things have risen because of my not being any
of these. So, the question is What Am I? You know the most popular
answer to a difficult question, neh? "That's a very good question."
I believe who I am is determined by what God says & how well I listen. Pere.
Am I going fundamental? Well, no. I'm just better appreciating where I
am so I can drop this dung & go to where I should be. What is this
dung? Well, let me see... (it's kinda like confession, but not. I
won't apologise. But I will admit.)
I'm fond of smoking, I like a nice, healthy red wine (with fruit
aromas, like Barton & Guestier), I am in possession of a healthy
sexual appetite, I shy away from confrontation (I've blood-lust
issues)...
Lots of other things, but I won't bore you with them. But I will say
this... I'm certainly growing up.
I can't explain it. It's not exciting to me. It's frightening, like
I'm trying to focus my eyes for the first time. The womb didn't hold
the future for me. It held me 'for' my future...if that makes sense.
And it does.
I am unable to succeed for myself. I've the mentality of a guardian,
of a cover, of a husband. Not in search of approval, but in search of
the comfort of my loved one(s). I thought it was stupid, then it hit
me. It isn't stupid. It never was. The only problem was my thought
process had a point of incomplete reasoning. If I'm seeking to cover
another, who do I seek to cover me?
The story of the prodigal son wasn't about wealth, or waste...it was
about power. His father was his cover, he wanted to be his own cover,
he got what he wanted, but was pulled down by what came along with it.
Same here.
I never fully understood my role, no matter how many women I've dated,
kids I've taken under my wing, strangers who recieved kindness without
merit... I was without cover. It easily turns all my efforts to dung.
I've gotten no further than when I decided to go it alone.
A friend remembers me way back in high school as being like a jedi. He
insists I look like Mark Hamill when he was at his best (cruel, I
know. :) so?). I remember that because it was then that I still had
God as my cover, both consciously & intentionally. I'm hoping to get
back to that state. Pray that I do. There'll be nothing greater than
to count it all as dung so I can start counting better things in the
future.
Thanks for your time, & viewing. It's not easy being my friend, is it?
But it sure can be a pleasant distraction, neh?

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Things to do

The hardest debt to pay is the debt to self. There are things that
discipline opens up for you, but you need it to recognise them, to
follow through & to recieve your prize. Unfortunately, after being a
drone for an industry of extraordinary selfishness, my personal
discipline record nose-dived. I got this into my head after reading
the bible.
It says in Proverbs He who is slack in his work is the same as he who
destroys. Note, it doesn't say he who is slack in the work of
'others'. It says in 'his' work. So what is 'my' work? Finding that
out is one aspect of 'my' work.
1. Leadership: I remember reading about pregnant women in China who
were attempting to induce labour on the 31st of december. It was
because the next year was the year of the sheep. It was humourous to
read, but I found it sobering once my laughter subsided. I was born in
the year of the Horse. My birth color is yellow, & my birth element is
earth. Sadly I don't possess the skill of chinese poetry, otherwise
I'd have arranged a name for myself that would be sooo cool. Still,
when I think about it, Yellow Earth Horse can't be rescued by anything
but the best in Chinese nomenclature.
What is it that I can rescue/contribute to that I 'can' be the best
at? What is my design of the 'better mouse trap'? Well, it's okay not
to know immediately. It is. But it's not okay to not do something in
the interim.
Everyone is a leader of some sort. Not necessarily Commander-in-Chief,
but a leader.
I won't drop the original japanese form a quote that comes to mind,
but I will drop the quote. "He who hasn't completed his stomach isn't
fit to lead. He who has completed his stomach is a leader."
An interpretation offered was that he who hasn't worked on himself has
no business being in charge of anything. Examples litter modern
Nigerian history. I don't want to join their number. I'm desperate not
to. Very. So things to think through, things to plan realistically,
things to drop, things to pick up, things to reach out to, things to
shy away from...
I haven't gone through any self-development training in a while. My
sense of will is pretty stiff. I won't be set in my ways, I can't
afford to be. I dare not.
Leadership isn't completed by having followers (Even Osama has
followers, & his thing isn't pure...to me, but that's for another
blog).
I don't know what completes it. Perhaps it is completed when you're of
living memory for a long time & then a lot longer. Jesus, Socrates,
Aristotle, Leonardo da Vinci,...these few examples are proof in
themselves, that a great leader remains in memory for long. Memory of
what they had done. I am not certain if that's the definition of a
legacy. I haven't seen a Nigerian legacy that I can relate with...&
that helps me better define leadership. Nigeria has been rife with
personalities, with forces, but not with movements. No movements. Not
a single one. With all due respect & all protocols observed, Fela
wasn't a movement. His followers had no leaders among them. They
wanted to be him so badly, they forgot that he just wanted them to
live like free human beings, not as mentally enslaved zombies. 1997
was a dark year when his flame died. It marked the end of a force.
Emulation / imitation is the highest form of flattery. It is also the
strongest showing of the worth of a leader in the eyes of his
followers. The strongest is when the fallibility of the leader is
factored in, & the worth of his thoughts/paths are stronger still in
the lives of his followers, as evidenced in their lives.
So maybe I'm not really interested in that sort of responsibility
(pastors can have it!), but it would be an honour to birth a movement
in Nigeria. Our first, authentic movement. Not people determined to
parrot what they've heard, but who are willing '& able' to assimilate,
measure with discerning, deliver with higher fidelity, the real
message. I don't know the message Nigeria needs right now. I'm not
speaking of adding to church membership, I'm talking about saving
people's lives till they thrive, instead of rescuing their means of
'existing'.
Perhaps I'm already bearing the message & don't know it yet. Perhaps...
Well, I've got to get to clearing up my room. Then drawing up a
schedule to recognise my second chances & position myself to take
them.

Yes, I'm aware of the '1'. '2' will be the next post. Any suggestions?

--
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Cameron Vidai (Do I hear a war cry?)

I'm going to work my ass off to achieve something I've left undone for
over a decade.
It was the summer of 1996 or so when I first spoke to Kunle Oludele,
Yegwa Ukpo, Tunde Anjorin about Cameron Vidai. It was a violent
comedy, loosely based on Golgo 13...if he had a sense of humor & a
sidekick called Num-num(If you're none of the afore mentioned, don't
bother wrapping your head around it...my mind is a labryinth of ideas
that fight for a chance to prove they can make a difference.)
He's evolved over time & will have his own dedicated blog. Will share
it with you...just felt I should introduce him here. And thank Manga
productions for their tainted influence on my then young mind.

Cameron Vidai starts here

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Playing in history

How many of us understand that history is hardly ever made
intentionally? When I watch series like Rome, where they humanise the
characters, I better appreciate my role in history. What I mean is,
the path a man/woman takes is ordered by the greater than all when so
many things are riding on their success or failure.
For example, what would the world have been like if Rome hadn't had
the wake-up calls from Atilla, Spartacus, Hannibal? None of these guys
succeeded in conquering Rome, but they're better remembered than the
barbarians who brought her down finally. I'm in this mood because I'm
in the mood. I have no better answer than that. It just might be a
sentence, a phrase or even a fledgling idea in a passing conversation
that might lead someone to commit to something too great for the mind
to understand in the immediate term.
On a final note, it is not cool to hope for the fall of another man.
But we all do it at some level or the other, for some reason or the
other. We forget that we could also hope to be better than the other
person. But, that takes more hard work.
Self-examination. And I'm first in line. :)

--
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A poem

We punish me
So we can't be
Don't you agree?
Wholeheartedly.

Maybe you do
I pray it for you
What is still true
Love makes anew

Cruel to say?
Not in anyway
We can't stay
But you're in here
everyday

Broken promises
Dying wishes
Tell you what this is
I miss us, almost mrs.

What more to add
To the abstract & sad
Well, I am so glad
About the time we had

final word
we were a verb

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Air Vice Marshal Winston I. Aleyideino

What is the measure of a man? He was born in present day Adamawa on
children's day. He attended secondary school at Gindri Boys, Jos. He
joined the air force as a flight officer. He benefited from the Gen.
Ibrahim Babaginda coup as Governor of former Gongola state, was in
charge of the Nigerian Security Printing and Minting Company. He
retired as an Air Vice Marshal. Sought no political office, invested
in Aluminium sheet production. He died 5 days after his birthday.
This is what the public will know. What the public does not know however is:
He was my mother's very close friend. I was 8 years old when we met, &
I was sceptical of him at first. I'll paint the picture for you as
best as this handset will allow. My parents had been seperated 5 years
when we first met. I didn't have an alpha male in my life. I'd even
forgotten what my father looked like for a while. My mom was my world
(along with Batman, comics & television... I was a kid.) & I didn't
take kindly to anyone getting into the mix. I realised almost 20 years
later that he needed genuine friends around him, as powerful men are
wont to do...my mom's as genuine as they come. I didn't like how my
sister took to him so easily. It was when I was a teenager when we
started to talk. He was the first person to treat me like a man.
Sunday lunch at his home was curried chicken and rice. Traditionally
in Nigeria, the gizzard belongs to the head of the house. When I
picked the gizzard (unthinkingly, mind you) on one of those sundays, I
was reprimanded immediately by everybody seated at the table. Except
him. He brushed off the complaints by saying,"He's a man. Give him his
gizzard."
To get respect, you must give it. He got my respect at age 13. He
never lost it. Ever. I would spend about 2 hours every sunday, talking
with him. He spoke about pilot school in Canada, where you could play
football till 10 pm in natural light. He giggled at the memories of
being a cadet with a shaved head and wondering if he'd made a bad
career choice. He spoke about being human & tolerating it in other
people. He had his driver take my sister & I to school along with his
nieces Rebecca & Magdalene. Rebecca was so beautiful, my sister's
friend. Magdalene was a cherub with a stammer & a fear of talking
dolls (chucky wasn't cool). We're all grown up now. Haven't seen each
other in years. Rebecca is a mother of two. Don't know about Magdalene
yet.
I remember something about him that should be remembered. He was
married to a shrew. Too much of a gentleman to raise his hand, he bore
her boorish attitude until he divorced her. Her behaviour cost him
being the Chief of Air Staff. His wife would have been the chair of
the Air Force Officers' Wives Association. She didn't fit the post so
he didn't get his. I remember that when I'm tempted to mourn lost
love. No one really knows what's around the corner. He'd have made a
fine Chief of Air Staff. He also liked to pretend to be slow. His mind
was a serrated edged knife. He'd play slow to pick up, but he was
playing slow to anger. I took that from him. I took a lot of things
from him: Never be in a hurry, be patient with people, forgive, trust,
it's ok to be näive once in a while, know what you're doing, respect
first principles, vices come & go so choose yours well, don't stretch
yourself to please anyone other than yourself, be protective,
responsibility is expected of you so keep your head up & your
shoulders straight, true love isn't always romantic, how to be wise
isn't always clear until the moment has gone so keep your head at all
times, respect everyone, give with both hands & God will add to you in
return, to kill is easy as any coward will tell you, surrender isn't
defeat (of Shonekan), listen to both sides then conclude, your mind is
your best weapon so keep it sharp at all costs, forgive everything but
remember the lessons, people can suprise you pleasantly so give them
room to do so.
As I write this, I'm near trembling from the loss. My dad was jealous
of my relationship with uncle Winston. I wouldn't blame him(in form 4,
I came first in my biology class, I told my dad who proceeded to
intimate me with my other subjects. When I told uncle Winston, he was
happy & said he was proud of me).
He was more than an uncle to me. He wasn't a good father in the sense
that he wasn't available to his kids as they grew up. He made up for
it with me... I will do him proud. I promise myself that. I did it
once when my geography teacher, who knew him, threatened to tell him
of my poor grades if I didn't pick up. I did. I'm not tripped by
geography, but I crammed that shit into my brain until I could recite
the stuff in my sleep.
Good night, uncle Winston. I know you understand that this is for the
few who can understand. You'd have liked them too. I know it.

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