Saturday 25 December 2010

Dark thoughts on Christmas Day?

Yes. My thoughts are dark, brooding, angry, like a storm cloud that
spent a year waiting to break.
I'm human, thus susceptible to mood swings, painful & slow
contemplation, vulnerable at inconvenient times...
I'm in need & it mocks me in my quiet still moments.
I wonder if this is a prelude to suicidal thinking. If it is, it found
the wrong Nigerian to meet up with. We hate the idea of suicide. We
accept that it happens, but we are too stubborn to let life go or
force it out of our hands because experience has taught us that the
best things are lost when they wait for us round a corner & we don't
show up. The only way to show up is show up. They don't call ahead, or
send text messages...they just wait.
I'm spending Christmas alone. Not so bad, but it doesn't bring out the
best in me. Perhaps my best writing, not the best me.
I might be immature in sensitive places, so I may need to harden up
for the new year.
Well, if you're reading this, I don't think Christmas is the best time
to wish you the best. I wish you the best every day. You & those who
love you back. I'm so grateful to be alive, sentient, & older than 5
years.

--
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Saturday 18 December 2010

Poetry...

A relevant thing about irrelevance/ If you care too much about that dance
You will give your all for a lie/ Your confidence & calm will die
Your friends lose trust in your new face/ Your thoughts & words will
be out of place
A scary situation to be sure/ Complicated when you do more
But we're not naturally sentient & still/ We insist on the strength of will
I'd scream in frustration/ But that's not the true situation
The truth about where we are/ Is held in our every scar
I've got scars of betrayal & loss/ All with the heart of a boss
I do not like the spaces I live in/ But how do you make peace with it & win?
I do not like the consequences gathering at my door/ I'm on the shit
creek, no paddle, no oar.
I dream, but my dreams do not follow me/ They sit back in great safety
from where they can see
A loss with a strange gain/ Like an ill-timed rain.
So I walk in silence, speak quietly/ That's the true nature of life,
hiding in me.
So goodbye to the blind life, the short life, the deceitful life/ I'm
walking away from all of that & finding solace again in the light.

--
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Thursday 16 December 2010

What makes for personality?

In one word. Motivation. I think my motivation is at an time low. I
think it is time to redefine my motivations. I think I'm not enough. I
may have to sever some ties, some friendships. This will be hard,
considering the emotional investments made towards them. But it will
have to happen if I'm going to fix myself. And I am going to fix
myself, or at least get on the path towards doing so. I know everyone
feels pathetic like this. Just wish it happened less often. I'm
tempted to curse, but I was trained better than that. It has less to
do with convenience & more to do with... I dunno, lifestyle maybe?

--
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Sunday 12 December 2010

Thoughts on assumption vs faith.

Forgive the 'assuming' title. No illusions here.
The place of faith is often relegated to religion. I think that is
wrong. Faith seems to be about facing the mercurial fortunes of life &
dealing with them, armed with something innate, non-physical, yet with
a force that is just 'primal' by nature. We exercise it in things that
have become seats for confidence. All this by mere repetition, a
predictability in our lives. We have faith in gravity, in death, in
failure, in disappointment, in despair. We have more confidence in the
things that pull us down or apart, than we do in things that dare to
promise us an uplifting. These are the symptoms, not the problem. The
problem is us. The world celebrates depression, perhaps because it is
common to all. The world celebrates success, but it is tinged with
envy, sometimes with a heavy dose of envy. I think that envy is based
on the belief that none of us deserves success, not even the
deserving. Incredibly when interviewed, the successful will explain
their success to you, but off the record, they can't explain any of it
to you. It is not that they are completely clueless, but rather that
they are where we are about the mechanics & dynamics of success as
related to failure. Without a solid idea about any of it.
I would suggest that instead of marching boldly forward into the
unknown or meekly sitting at the sidelines surrendered to fate, we
could simply search our individual spirits & pull on that primal gift
called faith. Nothing opens doors like confidence borne by faith.
Nothing.
Let me share this short short example.
There was a man who was involved in a terrible plane crash. His spinal
column had been severed, rendering him paralysed from the neck down.
His doctors gave him that verdict. He told the doctor that he would
'walk' into the doctor's office to shake his hand. He did. One of the
most documented miracles of the 20th century. He's referred to as the
miracle man.
There was a lot of wrestling with facts as presented, nights of doubt
eating him alive, but as is stated in the new testament, James I
believe, it is said faith without works is dead. Faith should be the
driver of your efforts, not the driven effort itself.
I'm not sure what you're building up your faith towards, but if it
isn't at cross-purposes with what God has in store for you, give it a
go. Like a good work out, you warm up first. Warm up your faith with
little things. Like talent, it gets stronger with dedicated use.
I encourage you to do this. Of course, questions might arise as to
what would I have practised my faith on that I'm so confident that
anyone else can do it?
I burned my face in a petrol fire as a child(I had a lot of energy & a
very detailed memory). My entire lower skin was exposed to the air. I
still remember how a gentle breeze felt like pin-pricks.
Now, if I hadn't told you about this, you wouldn't have known. Not
even a trace is left behind of that terrible incident. But something
stood behind. My faith. It isn't a mood thing, an emotional thing, it
is thing to be regarded as one would regard gravity.
Find a small difficulty you face during the day, pray about it (if you
can bring to mind any bible verses that can apply to the situation,
fine. If not, well, with time.)
Have an intensely amazing week.

--
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Tuesday 7 December 2010

Sometimes...it's really not you

My back hurts like I had a womb full of 8 month old triplets for 2
weeks. Even as I write this, my back goes into short spasms without
warning. But I forced myself out of the house this evening & on a date
with a darling young lady. I found out that she's related to an old
college roommate. His sister to be exact. But you know what? That
makes it all the more lovely to me. I am aware that if I hurt her,
he'll hurt me in ways that would make my present condition feel like a
warm-up. I trust myself. I won't allow that to happen so long as it is
within my power.
She's quirky, quick, qualm-less, & quite different. Her name doesn't
start with a Q & no I didn't 'fall' in love. I choose to grow into
love & I think I can safely choose her.
This evening we were escorted out of Ozone/E-Centre (reasons of
fumigation) & I took her to my favorite bar in the area, La Village.
She seemed distracted, seemed to laugh by cue, seemed to want to be
somewhere else. I told myself that this sucks, but you know every now
& then you get this second thought that clarifies situations for you
in ways that your usual train of logic isn't designed to follow. I
decided that I wasn't the cause of her discomfort. I didn't have the
proof & Einstein did say that intuition is the most valuable thing
that we have(I think it was quoted out of context, but hey...it is a
quote).
It turns out she had curfew. Mine is 12 midnight, but it is OPC
enforced, hers was a familial sort of thing, so she had been keeping
an eye on her watch while trying to feel my thread of conversation.
I walked her home, met her very pregnant sister-in-law (who I went to
school with as well), sat for a few minutes watching that stupid
reality tv show Kendra (more like distracted myself with it.) and then
went back to the bar.

I would really like to see her again, more often, because she has
something that I aim to rediscover within myself. Age trying to catch
up with mature attitude & a wisdom that is more intuitive than
experience based.
Why does she remind of these things? Why am I blogging about her?
Sometimes...it's not about you.
I think I should be persistent in this connection with her.
It has made me...come awake.
It is too early to talk about crushes & stuff, but not to early to say
I think she's cool & easy for me to take in.
Yes. That's it.

--
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Wednesday 1 December 2010

Been away studying a box.

Having had a month's absence, I'm back. Not like a pesky boil situated
on your crack (everyone has had one at some time in their lives, so
don't be a prude), but rather like that madman who's actually gotten
bored with the standard issue life & delved so deep into his research
for an easier, more meaningful life that he forgot his way back. But I
digress.
The box I speak of is a box that most of you reading this were groomed
to respect, but something irreverent in you tells you it is just smoke
& mirrors.
You might think it is a job, but you're forgiven because you're wrong.
It is the box of self.
All too often we are deceived into thinking that maybe we're a fixed
point in the experiences of others & so we owe no one a change in
philosophy, outlook or even attitude. I think that is a lie. It is an
even worse lie when you think that something major must occur before
we engage in that change. I am willing to bet dinosaurs thought that
way. Remember the last time you saw one? If you saw a bird, that's all
that's left of that mighty race. (Ask any serious paleontologist. The
scales on their feet isn't an oversight of nature.)
Anyway, back to the subject at hand... I got a job & I love it, I love
the guys I work with, the guy I work for & the perks that come with it
(namely writing). But I had an obstacle before me. Actually it wasn't
before me, it was me & I've been tearing my head inside out to
discover what led to this dilemma.
I recognise it now not to be a dilemma but a chance to evolve, to
grow, to build according to the needs before me as opposed to the
needs I left behind.
This is the box. Character, integrity, and a bunch of other things we
were told to develop as children remain ever important, but what is
even more necessary to note is that these things change. What was
considered integrity in the mid-12th century would be mostly
considered stupidity. (Let me not bore you with the details, but
rather offer your mind a chance to venture there unaccompanied)

As we age, the needs society demands that we meet change. Our sense of
character our change with this. Change for the better, not for some
stupid amalgam based on wrongs done to us in the past, recent or
distant.
I have come to that point where I am determined to preserve myself by
adjusting to the demands made of me.

This post is short because I have get to sleep and work early in the
morning. But basically speaking, I am certain of this...preparing to
change is not anywhere as difficult as changing itself.
Obviously most of us don't remember the terror of teething. I do. And
guess what? The outcome wasn't so bad. I can smile without worrying
about my teeth to gum ratio. It's just right for me. The only thing
that is killing my buzz right now is the lack of power. I can't work
from my phone (yet) & it sucks eggs. But there's tomorrow knocking at
my door, sleep is the key & I'm going to turn it...well, because I can
& also because I must.
That's it. Tomorrow's post will be...
Posted tomorrow, what do you want from me? $1 million? Shit, I'd keep
that to myself first the way things look right now. No wahala, sha.
You're all remembered & loved.

--
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