The reason behind this post is an 'infamous' (as opposed to unpopular) article in PM news a daily evening paper in Nigeria by a lady simply referred to as Amara. The delightful Linda Ikeji (her blog is the 39th most read blog in a country of over 150 million) put it on her blog and the comments came out of the wood work, dominated tweets and facebook statuses for a long while. It was mostly women being on the defensive, guys being on the offensive...weeeell, let us just say no one chose the middle ground. Women attacked women, men defended women, and in all of the emotional exchanges, not once did I come across a middle ground observer. Perhaps they got lost in the noise? Anyway, I realised that rather than just point at women and claim all sorts of reasons why they are not being sought after and married in a flash-flood of grooms to be, it would be nice for a guy to speak for himself. So I picked me (Vain? yeah, I guess. Presumptuous? definitely not ) because i have a stake in this. I am in my mid-thirties, my mother is already worried, my dad is understanding without really understanding, my siblings are 'perturbed', my friends are...right next to you reading this post and wondering what 'odd' thing i am about to say next. Odd, not inappropriate...that is me.
Here goes....
I am from a middle-class home that proved to me over a 41-year old marriage that love conquers all...literally (a decade long separation and reuniting is the evidence I have lived to see). My father is a Princeton-trained civil engineer and Columbia State-trained architect. My mother is an Ahmadu Bello University-trained geographer and a Rutgers University-trained Educator (she teaches teachers). As if the 'intellectual pressure is not enough, I am the first son (the first sign of my father's strength according to Mosaic- tradition). I have 2 sisters, a brother, a brother-in-law, a niece, and lots of relatives. I come from a culture where a man at my age is preparing his mind to be a grand-father within a decade or so. I'm not even preparing myself to be a father as at this time.
I was a banker for a bit, but I dumped the job when I saw the recession tsunami a year away (I am sorry, but if you were in the financial industry at the time and you claimed not to see the trouble coming from a distance, you were lying to yourself...and you bought it).
So I am a writer (I supplement with voice-over work...my baritone voice is silky smooth and a sound-engineer's wet technical-dream come true, but that is for another article). As a Lagosian before I am a Nigerian, I actually do 9 other things very well, and I won't go into that.
Note that all of these things describe my background, but do not describe why I am not yet married...or does it?
I believe in love. Not that stupid hybrid of lust and any combination of a misplaced sexual fantasy (or more) popularly associated with reckless irresponsibility. I am a man who is 'decided' on matters of love, because I believe love is a decision, not a feeling, or a mood, or a 'vibe'. That sort of thinking is for the fickle-minded who are not ready to make a life together with another, but just want the excitement without the 'growth pains' that come with sticking to another person.
My decisions about love are simple:
No one but God comes before my wife...not even the children, all 8 of them. ;)
If my wife is in trouble, I am in trouble.
No man may disturb, harass, intimidate, heckle, insult, or harm my wife without expecting reprisals from me. If you touch me to my 'bone' I will break your own. (I learned that from my father)
My wife is allowed room to fart (awake or asleep), be annoying (everyone else is), be unreasonable, get angry, want to be left alone, want to have her own thing (business, bank account, and other little things that help her to establish her own identity)...and she should make the same room for me.
My wife may expect my hand in disciplining the children (but I tend to spoil them, no matter their age, but I will work on that).
My wife can expect my thoughts and feelings to be with her, no matter where I am.
My wife's happy laughter is my balm, her smile is my anchor, her happiness is my drive, her joy is my goal, and her tears fire me on to ask if I should act or sit quietly with her.
I have my father to thank for the lessons the taught about what a husband must be to his wife. I learned them when he did not realise I was paying attention, listening, watching.
I would love to say that I am not married by choice, but that would be misleading.
You see, I have a type. My parents are their type, even when they seem not to know it. My type is not an angelic version of the impossible, improbable or just plain unrealistic.
Forgive me if I seem to be rambling...I just have a pain inside. I thought I had it all locked down and would not make room to compromise on her happiness, but I failed to ask if she would do the same for me. Then I also realised that I was not married to the girl/woman I loved at the time and so she might have thought it was all a gimmick to put her guard down, so I was paying for the crimes of another or maybe I wasn't her type.
I will sort this all out when I write the first of the 2 articles to follow this.
But a cliffhanger:
Girls seek security (money), boys seek attention (sex)...what do men and women seek? Is it a cultural thing? Or is the banker lady marrying a mechanic (true story!) a fantasy outside of the Caribbean? (Yeah. It happened. Yeah. They are happy. No. Juju is not involved).
Here goes....
I am from a middle-class home that proved to me over a 41-year old marriage that love conquers all...literally (a decade long separation and reuniting is the evidence I have lived to see). My father is a Princeton-trained civil engineer and Columbia State-trained architect. My mother is an Ahmadu Bello University-trained geographer and a Rutgers University-trained Educator (she teaches teachers). As if the 'intellectual pressure is not enough, I am the first son (the first sign of my father's strength according to Mosaic- tradition). I have 2 sisters, a brother, a brother-in-law, a niece, and lots of relatives. I come from a culture where a man at my age is preparing his mind to be a grand-father within a decade or so. I'm not even preparing myself to be a father as at this time.
I was a banker for a bit, but I dumped the job when I saw the recession tsunami a year away (I am sorry, but if you were in the financial industry at the time and you claimed not to see the trouble coming from a distance, you were lying to yourself...and you bought it).
So I am a writer (I supplement with voice-over work...my baritone voice is silky smooth and a sound-engineer's wet technical-dream come true, but that is for another article). As a Lagosian before I am a Nigerian, I actually do 9 other things very well, and I won't go into that.
Note that all of these things describe my background, but do not describe why I am not yet married...or does it?
I believe in love. Not that stupid hybrid of lust and any combination of a misplaced sexual fantasy (or more) popularly associated with reckless irresponsibility. I am a man who is 'decided' on matters of love, because I believe love is a decision, not a feeling, or a mood, or a 'vibe'. That sort of thinking is for the fickle-minded who are not ready to make a life together with another, but just want the excitement without the 'growth pains' that come with sticking to another person.
My decisions about love are simple:
No one but God comes before my wife...not even the children, all 8 of them. ;)
If my wife is in trouble, I am in trouble.
No man may disturb, harass, intimidate, heckle, insult, or harm my wife without expecting reprisals from me. If you touch me to my 'bone' I will break your own. (I learned that from my father)
My wife is allowed room to fart (awake or asleep), be annoying (everyone else is), be unreasonable, get angry, want to be left alone, want to have her own thing (business, bank account, and other little things that help her to establish her own identity)...and she should make the same room for me.
My wife may expect my hand in disciplining the children (but I tend to spoil them, no matter their age, but I will work on that).
My wife can expect my thoughts and feelings to be with her, no matter where I am.
My wife's happy laughter is my balm, her smile is my anchor, her happiness is my drive, her joy is my goal, and her tears fire me on to ask if I should act or sit quietly with her.
I have my father to thank for the lessons the taught about what a husband must be to his wife. I learned them when he did not realise I was paying attention, listening, watching.
I would love to say that I am not married by choice, but that would be misleading.
You see, I have a type. My parents are their type, even when they seem not to know it. My type is not an angelic version of the impossible, improbable or just plain unrealistic.
Forgive me if I seem to be rambling...I just have a pain inside. I thought I had it all locked down and would not make room to compromise on her happiness, but I failed to ask if she would do the same for me. Then I also realised that I was not married to the girl/woman I loved at the time and so she might have thought it was all a gimmick to put her guard down, so I was paying for the crimes of another or maybe I wasn't her type.
I will sort this all out when I write the first of the 2 articles to follow this.
But a cliffhanger:
Girls seek security (money), boys seek attention (sex)...what do men and women seek? Is it a cultural thing? Or is the banker lady marrying a mechanic (true story!) a fantasy outside of the Caribbean? (Yeah. It happened. Yeah. They are happy. No. Juju is not involved).
