Ex-Factor:it's on me

Maturity is not a bad thing. But it hurts sometimes...most of the time, really.
I'm an intimate type. From the smell of her hair to the feel of her
skin, to the lines on her lips... I remember these things. But I
cannot keep these things. It makes me the picture of pathetic.
Maturity would have saved me face on so many cases. Being raised as a
man who has well defined principles was a blessing as plain as noon on
any good day.
Today, immaturity tastes different. Certainly not better. When I'm
double-minded on issues, it costs me. To sit back into what I truly am
stands against everything they preach in the movies about determining
your own path. It all seems like a lie this evening. Right now, I am
curious about things that break me. It think the thing that breaks me
the most right now is my challenge to be more than what I was
pre-programmed to be. I don't know what that is. Why? I think I'm
missing my path. I don't think it is for a man to invent a new path,
but to find your personal trail in the path put before you.
I accept this because even pioneers can't build from what is not
there. I am a pioneer by nature, by design, by culture and nothing
else about me is true. But I am a coward as judged by my actions &
inactions in the face of challenges. I try another man's way instead
of keeping to my own.
So now I will redefine my path. I will not shy from it. I think most
likely, I will do what is best in this situation.
That is to wait on God. I'm not a perfect man, but there is a
definition of a saint that I like alot. It means no matter how many
times he falls down, he is still intent on getting off his arse so he
can keep on going.
I'm getting up. Not sure how much longer I will be upright, but I am
certain that I will get up when I fall, no matter when that will be.

--
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When you understand, add faith.

I'm going off on a different angle with this post. It is still
educative, if you have accepted that you are still learning at any
stage of your life. Every christian is aware of the statement "It is
finished." It is a curious thing to me. It is often used as a
reference in global events...well, let's just say in every other
person's life, except ours. It is difficult to see what Einstein saw
when he said, "God is in the details."
When we're told that God wants us to be healthy, successful, full of
joy, happy...let's be honest, we tie it to how we feel from moment to
moment. No one tells a toddler about gravity, but he learns to respect
it. Why don't we do the same to the word that God has spoken to us? Is
it really so difficult to believe, to add faith to what he has said?
Perhaps that is why 'it is impossible to please God without faith?'
From the itch that gets your attention at an inconvenient time, to the
beginnings of constipation, to that belch that catches you off guard,
to the fart that theatens to disillusion people next to you about your
perfection (even the queen of england farts...yeah, I said it.) these
details do not escape his notice. We accept that, but we don't accept
that he will intercede in them when we ask? It isn't the sort of thing
he bothers himself about...he is more concerned about the wildlife in
Tanzania or the melting ice caps in the north pole? When will we see
that we're not alone in EVERYTHING? It is finished means everything
that troubles your life, sending it off kilter, while you're here on
earth, all these things have been dealt with.
Stop generalising it. I know the private battles I 'think' I'm
winning. But, perhaps like me, you can't accept that you've won. That
might be the test of faith. We've been given the grace, let us now add
faith to our understanding. Let us add it NOW! Don't shake when
victory seemingly appears out of nowhere, without explanation. It is
finished, remember?

--
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National Miseducation

Variety is the only excuse for abundance- Fernando Pessoa (Erostratus:
The Search For Immortality)

The power of the statement 'there is strength in diversity' has been
waned into nothing, relegated into the realm of clichés, & we are the
worse off for it. We have been so fixated on the examples of 'more
developed' countries making the most of their 'limited resources' that
we cripple ourselves in the bid to be faithful imitations. The variety
of the world has been lent to them, not given neither is it their
birthright. The wiser nationalities still retain their identities. But
all the variety available in the world can never replace the variety
you have at home.
Nigeria enjoys variety in resources that the rest of the world only
dreams of. Variety in terms of usefulness, tribal & cultural offerings
(in terms of history, rites, music, dance, cuisine, etc), natural
resources both mineral & human(skilled & unskilled), we tend to
ignore. The only time we'll respect them, it seems, is when some
foreign person who's been dulled out of mind sees us in our colour &
declares that we have what the rest of the world must model themselves
after. We see our variety without respecting the abundance that comes
with it.
We have abundance in terms of everything that stands us out as people
within a country. But we don't respect it, we don't respect ourselves,
& we will lose it. I'm talking of a material that can't be weighed in
terms of money, or comparative purchase or speculation.
What are we? A mad blend of ability? A forced amalgam of nations &
smaller nationalities? Or perhaps we are 'trouble' maturing over time?
I believe 'No'!

Who can be a better me than I? The potential of my life is the
combined history of my line & of those who I precede is is too great
to yield to cultural conquest.
That is what we're facing. Long after formal colonialism went out of
fashion, it still pervades in terms of choosing the alien over the
more familiar. Just to make things clearer, it is a human error. Even
the Israelites chose foreign gods over the God who brought them out of
Egypt. Perhaps they, like ourselves, felt they could better employ the
use of these gods better than the people they had failed?

I am a christian, more importantly a believer, so I don't think that
God is a foreign entity. The syncretic nature of the religion points
this out clearer than any sum of arguements ever could. How or why?
Simple. We have strong parallels so as to suggest that we've been
prepared for a time such as this, long before our forefathers even
knew of Christ Jesus.

My plea is to not dismiss our past as a paganistic dabbling into
darker arts. It is our truest identity. If you doubt, ask yourself why
english fails to explain Love as explicitly as greek, or latin, or
Spanish. None of these languages are connected to me culturally, but
they do expose the fact that one language cannot effectively encompass
what we seek to know as God.
When Jesus said,'It is finished.', my belief is that he meant man's
search for a means to be worthy of God's attention & full involvement
in the lives of men. The means has been set, have we used it?
If not, we should. It acts as an indictment on us. In whatever
capacity is made known to you, use it to understand Him, & build your
faith in your very core as a person. The reason is simple...nothing
about you is alien to Him. According to His word is the only guarantee
that we will find Him. On his terms, not the terms of the heads of any
church worldwide or your immediate leaders in the church. This is not
an excuse to ignore them or mock them. Rather, it is so that we will
understand that our leaders are just men, our choices are still ours
to make, but they're best when informed by means of exegesis of
trained men. No pastor is God to me, but no pastor is to be mocked by
us. You cannot criticise another man's servant. Think about it.

--
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Myths, Fallacies & the things inbetween

Great sex- is a myth. A great sex life is not. It's perception
determined, not measurable by any known standards. Why am I pointing
this out? Why not? It is the object of daily fantasy. Complete
strangers united by something so private, yet belongs to no one
person.

Love- is a fallacy. The word is an english misnomer. There are
different words for the 'general set of feelings' this word is
associated with. Most of these words are not of the english language.
The greeks did a good job, but when you explore other cultures, you
have to agree that love isn't the best word to describe the courage to
leap into fire for someone you 'adore'. I'm not saying I haven't been
burnt in the process, but really...

Success-is an inbetween. It depends on cultural references. The chap
who set off world war one by shooting Prince Franz Ferdinand & his
wife was considered a cowardly terrorist by the world in general.
Serbia not too recently honoured him as a national hero. Go figure.
Maybe as he was slain, he knew something the world didn't at the time.
Maybe he is a father of present Serbia. Anyway, he's considered a
success now. It is all perspective. But I'm also conviced that is not
democratically determined as well. Our individual selves cannot agree
on what the greatest success is for a man, woman or child. Selah

Equal Relationships- please. Someone must be slave, or selfish.
Altruistic motives are too cotton-candy to last long enough. That's
why I'm convinced in keeping up with the christian faith. You do unto
others as you should for the sake of God, because it is already
understood that His relationship with you is not equal, but you're not
loved any less.

I'm going to sleep now. If any more crop up in my head, it had better
have staying power, because I'm not going to roll over to write shit
down. Got work in the morning, and it 2:50 am already.

--
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A faith cocktail

To mix your faith with your life and the activities is the way we're
designed to live. I know this because of a telling symptom...
Confidence.
A person who speaks with confidence, *not blind passion (dogmatism),
empty courage (bluffs) or skillful repetition (parroting)*, speaks
with a certainty of a stone in flight. He/she will land where he/she
says he/she will because he/she knows the influences, patterns & power
that are at work in his/her life. I bring this up because we've had a
mis-education in our lives. We've extended the fallibility of man to
be an attribute of God. This is the blossoming of the weed (do not
giggle) known as a double-mind. God isn't uncertain of His word, which
He values more than His name. A name contains its bearer within the
contexts of it's bearer's perceived abilities & (more importantly)
inabilities. The universe is not the product of a fallible, uncertain
sentience. A double-mind suggests that it is.
As human beings, we cannot easily relate to anything outside a human
context. A sign of this is the giving of names. We aren't the height
of intellect. This evidence suggests to me that God let us name him so
as to accomodate our 'inabilities'. No name of God is given by him,
save one, the tetragammon YHWH, which we can't pronounce for the basic
issue of the absence of vowels. Every other name is based on what he's
done in the lives of those who presented the name to be used.
I'm talking about this for the simple reason that it pisses God off
something fierce when we mix a tainted faith with what He has said.
He's not finite, doubtful or lost. When he says something in the word,
it is not He 'hopes' will happen. 40 years of 'maybe' stole total
manifestation from those who lived most of their lives as slaves in
Egypt. Don't let it steal from you. You might not be able to afford
what you'll lose next.
The coolest thing about the matter for me is that He put it on him. It
doesn't require goose bumps, shivering or a sense of being stunned.
That He said it is enough. Waiting for His word to come to pass in
your life is inevitable, but confidence/faith is what makes it
relevant for you. Is what makes Him happy. You won't brush him into
the generalisation of Luck.

No one is Lucky with God, or fortunate...blessed. He's consciously
involved with your life & the good things that come into it. It is
faith that encourages more of that... He won't share His glory with
anything that man cooked up to explain away the small showings of His
Power.

--
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Happy Independence Day...

Nigeria is 50...in human years, but not in National years. All things
are relative, even age. It is like man & dog. A man may have a puppy
now, bury it in 10 years, & not be upset about it. To the man, it was
10 years, to the dog it was 70 years or thereabout. Same thing with
countries.
To a man, Nigeria is 50, but in national age, it is still in a crèche.
Many examples cite our need for diapers. Why? Our 'shit' gets away
from us & stinks up the place. The U.S. has been potty-trained, their
shit doesn't get away from them, and we only smell the lingering
traces of it because it's been flushed away. We don't even know where
the toilet is. But it's fine. It's cool. The infant-mortality rate
among countries is pretty high, so we have tried...so far, that is.
But that's us here and now, with self-pity growing around the period.
It's raining hard here right now. Sign of things to come? On the
surface, I'd hope not, but on closer inspection...it all depends on
your perspective.
Showers of blessing/deluges of doom. I pick showers of blessing. There
are too many points of divine intervention in Nigeria's history to
ignore the factor of the supernatural.
We've seen so many coups, deaths (individual & corporate),
dictatorships, sabotage, terror...things that do not encourage
survival. But we survive. We are kept. Preserved by more than what we
can readily understand. It's greater than purpose. It is destiny.
Well, here's wishing Nigeria 50 more years to come. I'll be in my 80s
then, but I'll be able to say we made it...complete with a dance
routine to the tune of 'We Made It- Linkin Park & Busta Rhymes'. Or
maybe there will be another song that better captures the spirit of
the dogged fighter. Not quite sure what to make of everything so far,
except it has been more entertaining than the EPL, in terms of gossip,
happenings, transfers, tackles traded, fouls called but not given,
Offside goals disallowed/allowed in favor of 'bigger teams', players
either earn big or just get by...it is a human system with human flaws
in logic, behaviour and outcome.
I'm not smart, nor a psychologist, but I admire men like Piagét (I
really hope I'm spelling it right) who gave Child-Developmental
Psychology a jump. I'm not sure where our true position is on the 'age
chart' for countries, but we're still young. Impatience guarantees
nothing. Comparison denies individuality. Why should we subject
ourselves to negative influences like these and still expect people
will still sit up.
We haven't decided on we should staying together or not or how we'll stay.
Except we've agreed that we're together. I don't really see a future
apart. We've too much to sample from ourselves to decide that one
group isn't worth saving/dealing with.
Well, let's be grateful for things we offer to the world, then to
ourselves. We've given the world Sade, Seal... I inconveniently forget
the rest. We've given ourselves something to gripe about rather than
gripe about other peoples & countries.
Oh well, that's history in the making for you...on looking back will
you recognise where you were when you were here. I just hope you act
right. I just hope so.

--
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Wounds

I just listened to Lauryn Hill's Ex-Factor. I understand every word,
feel guilty with some, empathy with some more, & hopeful with the
rest.
Love isn't pain. Pain is the use of love as a weapon. Usually the
target isn't readily available, so we hurt the ones nearest or closest
to us, hoping we'll grow on them.
That's worse than crazy. That is REALLY FUCKED UP! And I'm guilty of it.
You know those movies about war veterans who don't realise that the
war is over. I think they had to change their paradigm to survive the
war, but are too scarred to change back. There are those among us who
still carry the paradigm of past relationships & war along with them,
when the time of peace offers better in the now.
My wounds are so ugly & scary to me, but it usually takes a
combination of insight, honesty & courage to deal with them so they
don't lead me to deal badly with others.
Someone made an observation of my conversation on tuesday. The insight
has literally body slammed me out of my new found haze.
I got hurt a few times over the last decade or so & I relegated love
interests to hurry-up-and-be-dead-so-someone-else-can-hurt-me. He
didn't see that far, but it's not his cross to bear or drop.
My eyes sting at certain memories, and my way of handling them is
appalling. It's like walking in the rain, hoping you don't get 'too
wet' without deciding what it is to be 'too wet'.
I can't run from what I've just seen, but I still run from who I could see.
When a woman looks at me with interest, I see a potential
ex-girlfriend/lover, I don't see who I could grow old with.
Maybe my parents' "10 year split" has something to do with that.
These wounds are strange. They don't want to dry into scabs I can
either pick at or ignore.
I feel stupid. But I'm not. Feeling stupid is an indication that
you're just waking up. How do I see the connection? Have you ever
woken up to find yourself in a 'dignified' position? It is when you
wake up that you rearrange yourself. It's like healing. It's like
letting go. With time, you stand up straight and do as you should, not
as your wounds allowed.
I might go apologise to every ex- I think I've hurt. I started last
sunday. It's on-going. I hope their willingness to listen matches my
courage to stand and speak. Is this repentance?
Oh, FYI... I'm not a slut.

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