Wounds

I just listened to Lauryn Hill's Ex-Factor. I understand every word,
feel guilty with some, empathy with some more, & hopeful with the
rest.
Love isn't pain. Pain is the use of love as a weapon. Usually the
target isn't readily available, so we hurt the ones nearest or closest
to us, hoping we'll grow on them.
That's worse than crazy. That is REALLY FUCKED UP! And I'm guilty of it.
You know those movies about war veterans who don't realise that the
war is over. I think they had to change their paradigm to survive the
war, but are too scarred to change back. There are those among us who
still carry the paradigm of past relationships & war along with them,
when the time of peace offers better in the now.
My wounds are so ugly & scary to me, but it usually takes a
combination of insight, honesty & courage to deal with them so they
don't lead me to deal badly with others.
Someone made an observation of my conversation on tuesday. The insight
has literally body slammed me out of my new found haze.
I got hurt a few times over the last decade or so & I relegated love
interests to hurry-up-and-be-dead-so-someone-else-can-hurt-me. He
didn't see that far, but it's not his cross to bear or drop.
My eyes sting at certain memories, and my way of handling them is
appalling. It's like walking in the rain, hoping you don't get 'too
wet' without deciding what it is to be 'too wet'.
I can't run from what I've just seen, but I still run from who I could see.
When a woman looks at me with interest, I see a potential
ex-girlfriend/lover, I don't see who I could grow old with.
Maybe my parents' "10 year split" has something to do with that.
These wounds are strange. They don't want to dry into scabs I can
either pick at or ignore.
I feel stupid. But I'm not. Feeling stupid is an indication that
you're just waking up. How do I see the connection? Have you ever
woken up to find yourself in a 'dignified' position? It is when you
wake up that you rearrange yourself. It's like healing. It's like
letting go. With time, you stand up straight and do as you should, not
as your wounds allowed.
I might go apologise to every ex- I think I've hurt. I started last
sunday. It's on-going. I hope their willingness to listen matches my
courage to stand and speak. Is this repentance?
Oh, FYI... I'm not a slut.

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