worth nothing when compared to knowing Christ. Been thinking about
that. All successes, failures, joys, pains, epiphanies, depression,
highs, lows...to be regarded as nothing. I used a euphemism.
Apparently, not that he cursed or swore, but he said he regards it as
'dung' which in our current vocabulary is 'shit'. I'm with him on
that.
My common entrance exam score... I don't remember. But I hit the
national list, both times. My Jss scores... I don't remember, but I
did make it across. My SSCE scores...vaguely. I don't count it
important these days. My first 1,000 disappointments...nah, don't
recall. My first 5,000 joys...nope.
Why is this? As human beings, we're designed to forget so we can move
on. And we don't, because we're mostly unsure of what we are to move
on to. That's where this gem comes up. Count it all as dung. An
unattractive waste...when compared to knowing Christ.
Why am I, a broken toy, an unaimed arrow, a strange head...speaking of
this? I'm certain that the first time we used our eyes, forced them to
focus without even knowing how to do so, it hurt. It felt like an
aberration, but it was the next step to being who we really were.
That's what it feels like where I am right now. So many things have
brought me to my true mind. The mind that counts all achievements as
dung, so I can reach out towards who I really am.
There are a few things that I know I'm not. I know I'm not a player
(no ahems, Yegwa. Please do not spoil my market.lol!), that is, I'm a
serial monogamist. I know I'm not a soldier...not certain if I can
kill, but would do everything in my power to avoid such a situation. I
know I'm not a business tycoon. I know that I'm not gay. I know I'm
not unkind, cruel (in its truest connotaton), unfair, sane (as in,
conventional boxed thinking) or very stupid.
Good, bad and very ugly things have risen because of my not being any
of these. So, the question is What Am I? You know the most popular
answer to a difficult question, neh? "That's a very good question."
I believe who I am is determined by what God says & how well I listen. Pere.
Am I going fundamental? Well, no. I'm just better appreciating where I
am so I can drop this dung & go to where I should be. What is this
dung? Well, let me see... (it's kinda like confession, but not. I
won't apologise. But I will admit.)
I'm fond of smoking, I like a nice, healthy red wine (with fruit
aromas, like Barton & Guestier), I am in possession of a healthy
sexual appetite, I shy away from confrontation (I've blood-lust
issues)...
Lots of other things, but I won't bore you with them. But I will say
this... I'm certainly growing up.
I can't explain it. It's not exciting to me. It's frightening, like
I'm trying to focus my eyes for the first time. The womb didn't hold
the future for me. It held me 'for' my future...if that makes sense.
And it does.
I am unable to succeed for myself. I've the mentality of a guardian,
of a cover, of a husband. Not in search of approval, but in search of
the comfort of my loved one(s). I thought it was stupid, then it hit
me. It isn't stupid. It never was. The only problem was my thought
process had a point of incomplete reasoning. If I'm seeking to cover
another, who do I seek to cover me?
The story of the prodigal son wasn't about wealth, or waste...it was
about power. His father was his cover, he wanted to be his own cover,
he got what he wanted, but was pulled down by what came along with it.
Same here.
I never fully understood my role, no matter how many women I've dated,
kids I've taken under my wing, strangers who recieved kindness without
merit... I was without cover. It easily turns all my efforts to dung.
I've gotten no further than when I decided to go it alone.
A friend remembers me way back in high school as being like a jedi. He
insists I look like Mark Hamill when he was at his best (cruel, I
know. :) so?). I remember that because it was then that I still had
God as my cover, both consciously & intentionally. I'm hoping to get
back to that state. Pray that I do. There'll be nothing greater than
to count it all as dung so I can start counting better things in the
future.
Thanks for your time, & viewing. It's not easy being my friend, is it?
But it sure can be a pleasant distraction, neh?
--
Sent from my mobile device
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