Happy Independence Day...

Nigeria is 50...in human years, but not in National years. All things
are relative, even age. It is like man & dog. A man may have a puppy
now, bury it in 10 years, & not be upset about it. To the man, it was
10 years, to the dog it was 70 years or thereabout. Same thing with
countries.
To a man, Nigeria is 50, but in national age, it is still in a crèche.
Many examples cite our need for diapers. Why? Our 'shit' gets away
from us & stinks up the place. The U.S. has been potty-trained, their
shit doesn't get away from them, and we only smell the lingering
traces of it because it's been flushed away. We don't even know where
the toilet is. But it's fine. It's cool. The infant-mortality rate
among countries is pretty high, so we have tried...so far, that is.
But that's us here and now, with self-pity growing around the period.
It's raining hard here right now. Sign of things to come? On the
surface, I'd hope not, but on closer inspection...it all depends on
your perspective.
Showers of blessing/deluges of doom. I pick showers of blessing. There
are too many points of divine intervention in Nigeria's history to
ignore the factor of the supernatural.
We've seen so many coups, deaths (individual & corporate),
dictatorships, sabotage, terror...things that do not encourage
survival. But we survive. We are kept. Preserved by more than what we
can readily understand. It's greater than purpose. It is destiny.
Well, here's wishing Nigeria 50 more years to come. I'll be in my 80s
then, but I'll be able to say we made it...complete with a dance
routine to the tune of 'We Made It- Linkin Park & Busta Rhymes'. Or
maybe there will be another song that better captures the spirit of
the dogged fighter. Not quite sure what to make of everything so far,
except it has been more entertaining than the EPL, in terms of gossip,
happenings, transfers, tackles traded, fouls called but not given,
Offside goals disallowed/allowed in favor of 'bigger teams', players
either earn big or just get by...it is a human system with human flaws
in logic, behaviour and outcome.
I'm not smart, nor a psychologist, but I admire men like Piagét (I
really hope I'm spelling it right) who gave Child-Developmental
Psychology a jump. I'm not sure where our true position is on the 'age
chart' for countries, but we're still young. Impatience guarantees
nothing. Comparison denies individuality. Why should we subject
ourselves to negative influences like these and still expect people
will still sit up.
We haven't decided on we should staying together or not or how we'll stay.
Except we've agreed that we're together. I don't really see a future
apart. We've too much to sample from ourselves to decide that one
group isn't worth saving/dealing with.
Well, let's be grateful for things we offer to the world, then to
ourselves. We've given the world Sade, Seal... I inconveniently forget
the rest. We've given ourselves something to gripe about rather than
gripe about other peoples & countries.
Oh well, that's history in the making for you...on looking back will
you recognise where you were when you were here. I just hope you act
right. I just hope so.

--
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Wounds

I just listened to Lauryn Hill's Ex-Factor. I understand every word,
feel guilty with some, empathy with some more, & hopeful with the
rest.
Love isn't pain. Pain is the use of love as a weapon. Usually the
target isn't readily available, so we hurt the ones nearest or closest
to us, hoping we'll grow on them.
That's worse than crazy. That is REALLY FUCKED UP! And I'm guilty of it.
You know those movies about war veterans who don't realise that the
war is over. I think they had to change their paradigm to survive the
war, but are too scarred to change back. There are those among us who
still carry the paradigm of past relationships & war along with them,
when the time of peace offers better in the now.
My wounds are so ugly & scary to me, but it usually takes a
combination of insight, honesty & courage to deal with them so they
don't lead me to deal badly with others.
Someone made an observation of my conversation on tuesday. The insight
has literally body slammed me out of my new found haze.
I got hurt a few times over the last decade or so & I relegated love
interests to hurry-up-and-be-dead-so-someone-else-can-hurt-me. He
didn't see that far, but it's not his cross to bear or drop.
My eyes sting at certain memories, and my way of handling them is
appalling. It's like walking in the rain, hoping you don't get 'too
wet' without deciding what it is to be 'too wet'.
I can't run from what I've just seen, but I still run from who I could see.
When a woman looks at me with interest, I see a potential
ex-girlfriend/lover, I don't see who I could grow old with.
Maybe my parents' "10 year split" has something to do with that.
These wounds are strange. They don't want to dry into scabs I can
either pick at or ignore.
I feel stupid. But I'm not. Feeling stupid is an indication that
you're just waking up. How do I see the connection? Have you ever
woken up to find yourself in a 'dignified' position? It is when you
wake up that you rearrange yourself. It's like healing. It's like
letting go. With time, you stand up straight and do as you should, not
as your wounds allowed.
I might go apologise to every ex- I think I've hurt. I started last
sunday. It's on-going. I hope their willingness to listen matches my
courage to stand and speak. Is this repentance?
Oh, FYI... I'm not a slut.

--
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Creatives, not creators.

I once thought a creative mind was the product of a spoilt childhood.
Then a creative director intimated me with his take on 'creatives'.
"God speaks to them. If they allow, He speaks through them. But God's
mouth is very close to their ears."
Okay, fine! So I embellished it a bit. But the core of what he said
stuck in my head a year later.
It takes a creative mind to absorb and relate that which is beyond the mundane.
I don't believe 'creative' is the best term for those who see beyond
where they are, what is in front of them, & through the façade of
ordinary being.
I think they are channels.
I, for instance, don't believe evolution clashes with the bible. But
you'd have to be a creative-mind to begin to give what I have to say a
chance to be said.
I don't believe evolution ever stopped. I don't believe evolving is
anything less than a Supernatural occurence. If for anything at all,
one shouldn't mistake creation as a one time only occurence. It isn't
a sign of an undecided mind, rather it is a gradual revealing of a
mind so vast, of a power so great, of a heart so big, that rather than
scare 6,000 types of shit out of us (that's how long 'recorded' human
history is), He slowly offers us a glimpse into how little control we
have in things seemingly insignificant. I use the word seemingly
because we're yet to 'tame' the mosquito & other natural disasters. No
bridge can compare to the design of the Grand Canyon, no weapon is as
deadly as death itself...all we do is design mediums, never a 'thing'
like 'life'.
Your imagination is God's playground & He's always calling you to come
play with him. Mostly we slave our imagination to 'contrary' things,
in the firm belief that we are in full control to the point of
'threatening' God.
I'll have use 2 animal examples to put this across.
There's a favorite Igbo saying of mine: Even the smallest bird, when
eaten to it's fill, will challenge God to a fight. It sounds silly
until it doesn't.
The next (it is less than 24 hours old, but it feels relevant enough)
is sight of an ewe or a ram struggling to sit at your table to eat.
It's just sheep, but even sheep have some level of ego (ever seen rams
fighting?). But is that ego enough for it to claim to be human? Is our
ego enough for us to claim we're God?
I'm awake considering this because I've finally woken up to a very
personal truth... I'm not what I think I am. When I accept this,
growth is possible. Until then, I will always 'feel' less without
knowing why. Another form of nakedness, but I'll go into that on
another blog.

--
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I Kill Giants:a comic worth finding

Any genre of comic deals with fantasy, even when based on reality.
There's a jewish saying,'What is truer than truth? The story.'
'I Kill Giants' is brilliant in its story-telling, in its design, in
its overall approach to the theme.
My eyes burned through it with a hunger reminiscent of my secondary
school days. Then you had to read a comic, enjoy it, follow the story,
then return it within the hour. Speed reading wasn't a class, it was
the comic reader's lifestyle back then. It made studying a little
better, but I digress.
The protagonist is an avid Dungeons & Dragons enthusiast, an
opinionated, smart junior high school student who is ready to confront
anyone, anytime, anywhere. The model 'troubled student'. She's also a
she. Did I also mention that she kills giants.
Getting drawn into her personal world is a journey worth more than the
pages her story is told through. Every leaf is turned to pure gold.
Like any good warrior, she knows the history, the types & tendencies
of her enemies. Facing them makes the school bully less than small fry
in her eyes. A favorite quote of mine,"I'll do things to you that will
make God cry."
Her diminutive stature belies the giant within-pun intended ;)
I've intentionally left out her name. I've also intentionally left out
the plot. That's the wealth of promise the comic offers.
Read it, digest it & you'll discover what good things come with it.

--
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The Eternal Now

Last night, a friend (more like the jerk in my old crew) stated
there's no need to get stuck with the past, but rather to focus on the
future. I'd talk about his silliness & what it's cost him, but that's
both tasteless & tacky. But he inspired this post to be completed.
As corporeal beings, we perceive time to be linear (the assumed
correctness of this suits our general activities & purposes), but it
also robs us of a wonderful thing that God has blessed us with. The
eternal now.
Ideas of eternity are difficult for me to wrap my head around, but the
eternal now makes perfect sense to me (it's up there with the
proclivities of empires, the power of an open face & the inherent
inability to deceive ourselves thus other people).
2 ex-girlfriends & an old crush taught me the value of the eternal
now. The journey of this understanding began when I'd be occupied with
making the next moment wonderful but never appreciating the moment in
the moment. It hit me when she declared we were best platonic. The
first of my ex-girlfriends was where I corrected myself. Every kiss(+
or - tongue), every hug, every touch, every word, every sigh, every
look, every detail, I took in because I caught a glimpse of the power
of the eternal now. Heart break is a more common ailment in the human
race than AIDS or malaria (Not everyone will carry the parasites
responsible, but everyone will care for someone or something more than
they care for themselves and will be disappointed that their point of
fixation isn't as consistent as God).
Well, don't focus on the past. But remember what lessons you've
learned from it and move on up, not shifting to the side. Relegating
yourself for crimes in the past is wrong. Infallibility is a human
inheritance. Still, the irreconcilable offended are a sad fact to
face. Sometimes the only peace you can offer the offended is space. I
accepted that when it favoured me, but not when it didn't. I've grown
up now.

--
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Depression: a few words.

There are few things in this life that are as important as your state
of mind, state of heart. They directly affect your quality of life. I
scrape by with a smile on my face & envy begging for a place in my
life. Sometimes it comes in the form of depression.
If I envy anyone at all, it would be who I could have been (warning:
this does have a few similarities to a suicide note...but I'm
Nigerian. Suicide isn't sexy, so it isn't 'in').
I spent the wee hours of this morning with my brother at his place,
talking about stuff. Usually he makes sense, I just make
profound...somethings(I do have a reasonable command of english,
however somethings humble the language by demanding for a new use of a
word, or for a new word entirely).
He shared with me a need to write down a personal charter of his world
view. I remembered when I had the same thing fixed in my head.
Unfortunately my world view was warped by the cruelties of faithless
hearts. The scars ran deeper than my head & heart could handle, so I
chose to live a shallow life. Where I once saw things in clear,
distinct details, I only see shadows now. It's my fault & it's an
added weight to my cross. It has led to self-destructive habits,
counter-productive behaviour, & a faithless life. I just saw my life
in shadows, & not in it's true, ugly colours.
You have to be conceited to feel depressed. You have to be selfish to
feel depressed. You have to be awake & aware to fight it. And you
cannot fight it alone. Like vultures, it attacks you when you're weak.
Well... I'm still here, but I'm working my mind & heart to see myself
for what I truly am.
I'm more than the sum of my gifts & abilities. I'm a consideration in
the mind of God. That should be enough for now. And as for later? One
day at a time. Right?

--
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Liars have their own hell...? That's plus...maybe?

Uncertainty. This is one thing that has no borders, cultural or
otherwise, in terms of plaguing humanity. Every human being goes
through it & it is not easy on its victims.
Before people bring up 'faith', I'd like to point out that the tenets,
foundation & purpose of any faith has to be understood, accepted &
believed before it can be called faith. Otherwise, it's just another
fashionable trend...like bell-bottoms. Uncertainty precedes all faith,
all confidence & all decisions. Some of us hold onto it longer than
others. It isn't invulnerable. We were armed with something that began
with creation. The communication process. To be more specific, the
trade material of communication. That would be INFORMATION.
Information can be measured by quality/fidelity, quantity/amount. A
thing that gets to me, is how little caution is observed by those who
literally deceive people. There are lies in our schools, in our
libraries, in our societies, & even in our homes. Some of them are
designed to give peace of mind (eg, a contraceptive is not a
prophylactic, ie condoms were designed to prevent conception not
disease), some are birthed by folklore (eg, in socialising, sex isn't
the sole motivation of every male human being in the world to decide
to be nice to a girl, lady or woman...even if large mammary glands are
involved, remember those were the friendliest things in the world to
most people at some time in their lives). The examples are as many as
there've been people on this planet. But the lie that gets under my
skin & comes to mind at 3 am this morning, is the lie of power &
possession.
First of all, everything is on loan. Even the eyes your reading this
with aren't yours for keeps. If you doubt me, go to the nearest
graveyard & see if anyone bothered to 'take' anything from their
corporeal life.
I see pointless cruelties dancing before my eyes. Cruelties birthed of
lust (yes, my heart's got tread marks on it), the desire to covet
(yes, I've been robbed of things that I knew were useless to the
thieves like my time, my faith, my trust, my passion)...we're never
going to live up to half a million days (you can do the math. I'll
wait), so why?
I'm not advocating surrendering to vagaries, but a little more
thought, more empathy (sympathy is useless to those who need more than
your sombre nodding, sniffling or tears) you could leave something
bigger than what anyone else can steal, kill or destroy.
Any examples on offer? I'm glad I asked. Archimedes invented the
screw. Originally it was to draw water from wells, but he couldn't
have imagined where the 'march of the screw' has gotten so far (use
disinfectant for your minds, please. You know who you really are.)
Give more than what you usually offer. Give yourself to the world in
the little ways that you can. That is not a lie. What is a lie? That
you can do your best later. That you're not that important. That your
contributions won't matter much in the end.
Read more history. You'll be humbled.

--
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