There had been a long, difficult period between my place in life then
& now. There was a time I would wish for more things than I could know
what to do with. I still can't tell you what those things were. I just
assumed security is found in material excess. Another creative lie.
There so many of them. So I will offer this one line to clarify my
mind or my stand.
I'm alone for a reason and I accept that it will come to me from the
day I accept that God didn't create me grudgingly.
Hope that made sense. I have a natural tendency to be hard on myself,
body & mind. There's no direction involved. I'm just hard on myself.
It is assumed to be seated in deep self-loathing. I just think
everytime I find something or someone, I recall where I fall short in
terms of worth and forget where I excel in terms of value.
I'm sweet...not sexy.
I'm kind...not worth the risk.
I'm intelligent...not wise.
I'm christian...but I smoke.
I'm celibate...not for a worthy reason. ;)
I'm creative...not a force.
Well, shit on it! No exceptional human being never took a shit!! No
one! So... I console myself this way. I'm not sociable, likable, sexy,
or any other thing that sets me apart in a socially attractive way.
I'm fine. Really. I just get into that sinkhole of depression in the
long pauses inbetween. When I come out of it, I scream,"SHIT-ON-IT!"
Which is followed closely by, "God, forgive me. Thank you for
delighting in me when I do well and not forgetting me into oblivion
when I don't. Forgive me the shame I bring to your name when I mistake
stupidity for my humanity. You called me out to be more than human.
Well...here I am."
Or something along those lines.
--
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