Strange justice

Whoever expects punishment already suffers it, & whoever has deserted
it expects it.- Michel de Montaigne
I had a chance to experience this. I was cruel in its use. As far as I
was concerned at the time, it was not abuse. I haven't changed on
that.
It's strange that the landmarks in my life so far, as many as they
are, seem to dim into the background to when I lost my girlfriend to
my best friend (contrary to the popular joke, I do not miss him).
Well, when he did what he did, he knew me, my thoughts, my tendencies,
my ideas of vengeance...let's just say, when his balls cooled down,
his next consideration was me, the embodiment of consequence. >:)
Well, my favorite role model/hero, growing up, was Batman. I'm still a
big fan, 27 years strong. I took his road. I watched him, walked up to
him then side-stepped away to continue my stroll. I would appear two
tables ahead of him in the library & deliberately ignore him. I would,
as the jedi say, feel a disturbance in the force, then look up to see
he'd taken his leave. I occupied space physical, mental, social, all
to get his mind working feverishly to fathom my intentions, my next
move. That was the most morbid entertainment I'd ever had at the
expense of another human being. It took close to a year. And I enjoyed
it. It was a cold recipe for vengeance & I didn't have to raise a
hand, a finger or an eyebrow. Being was enough.
It was in this period that I rediscovered my christian faith.
Loving your enemies remained abstract to me because I had been trained
in the cold school of 'Overlook the offence & the offender'. But what
he did cut so close to my heart, I felt darkness piling up where I
remained indecisive. I turned to God & he pointed out a chap called
Immanuel Kant. This chap said God is not so cruel as to say we should
love our enemies as a feeling. That is impossible. What is possible is
to love them as a duty. To do what they need you to do for them. And
there are many things you can do for your enemy. Like knowing when to
stop thinking about satisfying yourself with revenge. Like asking
after him. Like praying for him. It was a gruelling task, I shit you
not(I say this with all the gravity the word SHIT can muster).
I had to relearn things in the bible. Like how Jesus was given the
power to Lay Down His Life & to Pick It Up Again. I asked God for this
power. He gave it to me. I put His desires for dealing with things
before mine. I chose to think before I made a move to play things the
way I used to.
It took me 2 years to decide I could speak to either of them again.
I've never regretted the decision. Even though I really don't care
much for him, if at all, he made the nature of the cross clearer to
me. But I wouldn't take back that odd revenge.
Still, the truth is that Vengeance is the Lord's. No matter how you
slice it, it comes out the same. It wasn't my place to seek for it.
I'm not certain things would have worked out between us. In fact, I'm
certain they wouldn't have. I forgive, not forget. Not to nurse the
injury, but to remember the nature of the wound & its source, so as to
guard myself. The only to protect myself was to cease contact. I did.
Felt great. Healthy.
But what I did to him was not.
Pity...he had told me that he expected that I'd have arranged for a
beatdown in his honour. In fact, a lot of things he'd assumed would
have been waiting for him to let his guard down. It wasn't my style...
I'm more devious than that. God held me back, God intervened for my
sake, not just his. People would ask, 'What would you have done?'
They don't need to know, so I don't reply. I shouldn't. I think I'd
become unpopular really quickly if I did.
Sometimes we think something grievous has been done to us. But if we
knew how much the feeling of guilt can do to a man, we could better
appreciate a seared conscience. Sometimes, irrespective of age, it is
best to forgive & move on. Other times, it takes a while. All the
time, leave it in God's hands. Really. Awareness of a crime can be
enough punishment for some... End time crowd... What else can I say?

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