the about the nature of wounds & the understanding behind the fixer.
I'll deal with the bridge & chorus later.
WHEN YOU TRY YOUR BEST/BUT YOU DON'T SUCCEED: I did what I could. I
admit I don't understand problems as well as I do in hindsight. This
is a recurring theme in love for me. I don't mean romantic love alone.
I mean love as it is meant to be. Like when I watched my friend Yegwa
start a comic with all of our friends with proven ability to write or
draw. It didn't pan out as hoped. I was crushed. But, 4 years down the
line, he's Spaceboy. Looking stronger by the day. Or when an old
girlfriend would try to please her dad & the man just made her feel
rotten with herself. A recurring theme in such relationships that I've
noticed.
WHEN YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT/BUT NOT WHAT YOU NEED:
An ex-girlfriend left me for a more exciting guy. It seems she gets
the excitement, but not the stable kind that becomes solid. She's held
on in there. I admire her tenacity so far, if not her methods. Or the
time as a radio producer, I wanted a better paying job, & I got a job
at Zenith bank. The money was more than I expected, but the growing
sense of 'nothing achieved' intimidated me. I felt no pull, no reason
to stay.
WHEN YOU FEEL SO TIRED/BUT YOU CAN'T SLEEP
STUCK IN REVERSE:
I once had a girlfriend who would be tired to the bone, & too wound up
to nap for an hour before going off to her night-shift. When I tried
to be supportive, it seems I set things back between us. I really
couldn't blame her. I still don't. Or the times I'd go through
depression doing what I wasn't meant to do (chemical engineering,
banking, etc), eating away at my conscience, knowing that time was
being sacrificed on that altar of life's biggest mistakes.
HIGH UP ABOVE OR DOWN BELOW/WHEN YOU'RE TOO IN LOVE TO LET IT GO
I was too into a could-have-been girlfriend. She was slim, articulate,
grew up dutch, hated physical punishment, played the piano, loved 81%
of the same movies, had a thing for cerebral development, wore braces
to sleep...the only thing was she wanted just friends. I watched 'My
Best Friend's Girl' & I concluded that Jason Biggs was me. I was
killed by the combination of the weight of my expectation & the sharp
edge of the truth. Or the time I had to leave an ex-girlfriend because
she was the reverse of the same problem. Sometimes, it won't matter
what your head tells you, your heart will have to figure it out the
hard way. Faith in men is generally misplaced, especially in terms of
relationships. I cursed myself for both incidents. Just stopped
recently.
BUT IF YOU NEVER TRY/ YOU NEVER KNOW
JUST WHAT YOU'RE WORTH
I had to let go so many times after that. I was scared to know if I
was worth as much to 'her' as she was to me. I promise you, it is the
bravest thing you could ever do as an individual who seeks recognition
on an intimate level. I die everytime. Everytime. And I come alive
again. It helps me understand that my worth is not determined by any
man, woman or thing else. And when I'm let down, I leave it at that &
move on. The biggest thing ever for me, in non-romantic terms, was
quitting my bank job. I earned just over N0.3m a month, but the verbal
abuse caused me great harm. I admit other things came into play (the
early warning signs of the global recession: in my head, I'd hear Sam
Cooke's A Change Is Gonna Come as I analysed market trends & boring
stuff I won't go into right now.) The only reward is yourself. You are
always more lonely when you get into a relationship. ;)
TEARS STREAM DOWN YOUR FACE/WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING YOU CANNOT REPLACE.
The loss of ignorance is not always followed with the Thrill of
Victory, it can come with the Agony of Defeat. You can't replace the
agony of knowing your friend is sleeping with your most cherished
girlfriend, or knowing that you can't pretend she still likes you like
before, or imagining that things will get better if you stay, or that
when push comes to shove, you will be chosen above all others. When
you know the truth, you cannot be deceived, not even by yourself.
LIGHTS WILL GUIDE YOU HOME/AND IGNITE YOUR BONES
AND I WILL TRY TO FIX YOU
When blind people recieve their sight, the first thing they do is look
at the lights of the prayer grounds. My cousin worked at a revival &
saw it first hand. They are drawn to the light. It gives them
boldness, reassurance, awareness that they are not blind anymore. It
is in these moments that you realise, you know the truth, your new
found freedom may taste strange to you, but that's because you never
tasted it 'after' being apart from the person/event.
You now have new parts never used before. Parts that make you stronger
for having them or the experience of them. Parts that build you to
better protect your self-worth.
Fix to me isn't about repair to as good as new. It's repair to differ.
Life is Divine suggestion via human intervention, not human invention.
I believe it.
--
Sent from my mobile device
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