My friend Yemi: It makes absolutely no sense.

I'm experimenting with forwarding. Hope it works. Neatly. I meant to
add neatly. And yes, Yemi, you are deserving.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Adeyemi Fatona <yemifatonais@gmail.com>
Date: Sun, 16 May 2010 22:18:22 +0100
Subject: It makes absolutely no sense.
To: remi.olutimayin@gmail.com

The pain that ravages through my soul cannot be vocalized.
It shouldn't be. No one should ever have to subject their ears to the
torture that only I can comprehend. And even if I was to try to
explain it to you, I don't think you'd ever be able to understand.
Even if…you may feel like you can relate. Maybe 'cos you may have gone
through some form of pain before. But let me put it to you this way;
although you may feel like we have a bond, some form of kinship in
this matter, you can never understand how my heart grieves.
This blog shouldn't be one where I let myself bleed. But if I don't
bleed through this, I fear that I may never ever find respite.
I don't really love her. It's all been a big bloody lie. I've been
lying to myself all along.
This is what I've been telling myself in order to find the strength in
my bones to move on.
But now, at the worst possible time, it's coming crashing down.
How rude of me. My name is Adeyemi. Some people may call me The Panda.
Some may call me The CapoeiraPanda. Some may even call me Ice.
Whatever. She calls me Adeyemi.
And now she's gone. No she's not dead or anything. I've just had to do
one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life. I had
to let her go.
I held her exactly 3 weeks and 12hours ago, and I kissed her like I
never planned to stop. Like her lips were like life support…. *smile*
it's funny how I always used to tell her she had lips like sugar…just
like the song.
I'm sure you're wondering what I'm talking about. I'm doing something
that I always hate when it's done to me…I'm speaking in abstracts.
Okay.
2 weeks ago, the best thing that ever happened to me walked outta my
life. Why? That's an explanation for another story. But let me tell
you that it wasn't something either of us wanted to do. Holding
yourself accountable to family in terms of the relationships you keep,
and what you may or may not do is quite a demanding task. At times
like these I'm reminded about how intensely difficult it it to obey
God sometimes. Not impossible, 'cos she decided to be obedient, but
intensely difficult. And this is what was demanded from her. That she
let go of this guy that she loved. And so I watched as she walked.
Helpless to do anything.
Now what was to happen? As with most of the members of the female
gender, she asked that question that often brings bemusement to the
guy who's being left biting the dust; "Can we be friends???" But in
her defense, this wasn't a question borne out of utter selfishness,
this was a question borne out of utter desperation. How was she simply
to stop talking to me? Our lives had become as intertwined as the
embroidery on a beautifully made agbada.
But what was I to do? Try to be friends with someone I'm in love with?
I've tried and tried to explain, but she just won't have it.
Fuck. How am I supposed to explain this to you without it coming out
all garbled? I'm going to be jumping back and forth, explaining the
situation and telling you things that happened and are happening
simultaneously.
So we break up. I'm determined to move on this time. This time. This
time I've put my hand on the plow, and I will not be looking back. So
I partition my mind. I lose my heart [she already had it in the first
place, so I guess it's no big deal.] I try to tell myself that I don't
love her. I'm doing anything I can to put her out of my mind, and my
heart. I have so much on my plate already. She calls me at
intermittent points. She can't stand not talking to me. I shouldn't do
this to her. Different stuff… I try my best to brush it aside and move
on. Then yesterday, she calls me, and with her voice rife with
weeping, she says to me; "You wanted this Adeyemi. You wanted to be
the most important person in my world. You wanted me to be totally in
love with you. Now you're leaving me like this. Don't do this to me."
I, am crushed.
I haven't been able to concentrate since. And I have so much work to
do… How did I get to this point? How did this happen? I have
absolutely no idea…
And I'm sure you're wondering why I'm writing this. I have no idea
either. All I know is that if I didn't write it, there was no other
way it would come out. And that would be even more damaging. And I
can't put it on my blog, cos for some reason, I don't want to. But
Remi says his blog goes to people that he considers deserving, people
he considers like family. And any friend of his is a friend of mine.
You don't necessarily have to read this. And if you do, you don't have
to give it a second thought. Just…thank you for reading. But I just
had to write.
Writings pieced together from the fragments of my broken soul, and
glued together with the tears of my heart.

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