Dark thoughts on Christmas Day?

Yes. My thoughts are dark, brooding, angry, like a storm cloud that
spent a year waiting to break.
I'm human, thus susceptible to mood swings, painful & slow
contemplation, vulnerable at inconvenient times...
I'm in need & it mocks me in my quiet still moments.
I wonder if this is a prelude to suicidal thinking. If it is, it found
the wrong Nigerian to meet up with. We hate the idea of suicide. We
accept that it happens, but we are too stubborn to let life go or
force it out of our hands because experience has taught us that the
best things are lost when they wait for us round a corner & we don't
show up. The only way to show up is show up. They don't call ahead, or
send text messages...they just wait.
I'm spending Christmas alone. Not so bad, but it doesn't bring out the
best in me. Perhaps my best writing, not the best me.
I might be immature in sensitive places, so I may need to harden up
for the new year.
Well, if you're reading this, I don't think Christmas is the best time
to wish you the best. I wish you the best every day. You & those who
love you back. I'm so grateful to be alive, sentient, & older than 5
years.

--
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Poetry...

A relevant thing about irrelevance/ If you care too much about that dance
You will give your all for a lie/ Your confidence & calm will die
Your friends lose trust in your new face/ Your thoughts & words will
be out of place
A scary situation to be sure/ Complicated when you do more
But we're not naturally sentient & still/ We insist on the strength of will
I'd scream in frustration/ But that's not the true situation
The truth about where we are/ Is held in our every scar
I've got scars of betrayal & loss/ All with the heart of a boss
I do not like the spaces I live in/ But how do you make peace with it & win?
I do not like the consequences gathering at my door/ I'm on the shit
creek, no paddle, no oar.
I dream, but my dreams do not follow me/ They sit back in great safety
from where they can see
A loss with a strange gain/ Like an ill-timed rain.
So I walk in silence, speak quietly/ That's the true nature of life,
hiding in me.
So goodbye to the blind life, the short life, the deceitful life/ I'm
walking away from all of that & finding solace again in the light.

--
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What makes for personality?

In one word. Motivation. I think my motivation is at an time low. I
think it is time to redefine my motivations. I think I'm not enough. I
may have to sever some ties, some friendships. This will be hard,
considering the emotional investments made towards them. But it will
have to happen if I'm going to fix myself. And I am going to fix
myself, or at least get on the path towards doing so. I know everyone
feels pathetic like this. Just wish it happened less often. I'm
tempted to curse, but I was trained better than that. It has less to
do with convenience & more to do with... I dunno, lifestyle maybe?

--
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Thoughts on assumption vs faith.

Forgive the 'assuming' title. No illusions here.
The place of faith is often relegated to religion. I think that is
wrong. Faith seems to be about facing the mercurial fortunes of life &
dealing with them, armed with something innate, non-physical, yet with
a force that is just 'primal' by nature. We exercise it in things that
have become seats for confidence. All this by mere repetition, a
predictability in our lives. We have faith in gravity, in death, in
failure, in disappointment, in despair. We have more confidence in the
things that pull us down or apart, than we do in things that dare to
promise us an uplifting. These are the symptoms, not the problem. The
problem is us. The world celebrates depression, perhaps because it is
common to all. The world celebrates success, but it is tinged with
envy, sometimes with a heavy dose of envy. I think that envy is based
on the belief that none of us deserves success, not even the
deserving. Incredibly when interviewed, the successful will explain
their success to you, but off the record, they can't explain any of it
to you. It is not that they are completely clueless, but rather that
they are where we are about the mechanics & dynamics of success as
related to failure. Without a solid idea about any of it.
I would suggest that instead of marching boldly forward into the
unknown or meekly sitting at the sidelines surrendered to fate, we
could simply search our individual spirits & pull on that primal gift
called faith. Nothing opens doors like confidence borne by faith.
Nothing.
Let me share this short short example.
There was a man who was involved in a terrible plane crash. His spinal
column had been severed, rendering him paralysed from the neck down.
His doctors gave him that verdict. He told the doctor that he would
'walk' into the doctor's office to shake his hand. He did. One of the
most documented miracles of the 20th century. He's referred to as the
miracle man.
There was a lot of wrestling with facts as presented, nights of doubt
eating him alive, but as is stated in the new testament, James I
believe, it is said faith without works is dead. Faith should be the
driver of your efforts, not the driven effort itself.
I'm not sure what you're building up your faith towards, but if it
isn't at cross-purposes with what God has in store for you, give it a
go. Like a good work out, you warm up first. Warm up your faith with
little things. Like talent, it gets stronger with dedicated use.
I encourage you to do this. Of course, questions might arise as to
what would I have practised my faith on that I'm so confident that
anyone else can do it?
I burned my face in a petrol fire as a child(I had a lot of energy & a
very detailed memory). My entire lower skin was exposed to the air. I
still remember how a gentle breeze felt like pin-pricks.
Now, if I hadn't told you about this, you wouldn't have known. Not
even a trace is left behind of that terrible incident. But something
stood behind. My faith. It isn't a mood thing, an emotional thing, it
is thing to be regarded as one would regard gravity.
Find a small difficulty you face during the day, pray about it (if you
can bring to mind any bible verses that can apply to the situation,
fine. If not, well, with time.)
Have an intensely amazing week.

--
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Sometimes...it's really not you

My back hurts like I had a womb full of 8 month old triplets for 2
weeks. Even as I write this, my back goes into short spasms without
warning. But I forced myself out of the house this evening & on a date
with a darling young lady. I found out that she's related to an old
college roommate. His sister to be exact. But you know what? That
makes it all the more lovely to me. I am aware that if I hurt her,
he'll hurt me in ways that would make my present condition feel like a
warm-up. I trust myself. I won't allow that to happen so long as it is
within my power.
She's quirky, quick, qualm-less, & quite different. Her name doesn't
start with a Q & no I didn't 'fall' in love. I choose to grow into
love & I think I can safely choose her.
This evening we were escorted out of Ozone/E-Centre (reasons of
fumigation) & I took her to my favorite bar in the area, La Village.
She seemed distracted, seemed to laugh by cue, seemed to want to be
somewhere else. I told myself that this sucks, but you know every now
& then you get this second thought that clarifies situations for you
in ways that your usual train of logic isn't designed to follow. I
decided that I wasn't the cause of her discomfort. I didn't have the
proof & Einstein did say that intuition is the most valuable thing
that we have(I think it was quoted out of context, but hey...it is a
quote).
It turns out she had curfew. Mine is 12 midnight, but it is OPC
enforced, hers was a familial sort of thing, so she had been keeping
an eye on her watch while trying to feel my thread of conversation.
I walked her home, met her very pregnant sister-in-law (who I went to
school with as well), sat for a few minutes watching that stupid
reality tv show Kendra (more like distracted myself with it.) and then
went back to the bar.

I would really like to see her again, more often, because she has
something that I aim to rediscover within myself. Age trying to catch
up with mature attitude & a wisdom that is more intuitive than
experience based.
Why does she remind of these things? Why am I blogging about her?
Sometimes...it's not about you.
I think I should be persistent in this connection with her.
It has made me...come awake.
It is too early to talk about crushes & stuff, but not to early to say
I think she's cool & easy for me to take in.
Yes. That's it.

--
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Been away studying a box.

Having had a month's absence, I'm back. Not like a pesky boil situated
on your crack (everyone has had one at some time in their lives, so
don't be a prude), but rather like that madman who's actually gotten
bored with the standard issue life & delved so deep into his research
for an easier, more meaningful life that he forgot his way back. But I
digress.
The box I speak of is a box that most of you reading this were groomed
to respect, but something irreverent in you tells you it is just smoke
& mirrors.
You might think it is a job, but you're forgiven because you're wrong.
It is the box of self.
All too often we are deceived into thinking that maybe we're a fixed
point in the experiences of others & so we owe no one a change in
philosophy, outlook or even attitude. I think that is a lie. It is an
even worse lie when you think that something major must occur before
we engage in that change. I am willing to bet dinosaurs thought that
way. Remember the last time you saw one? If you saw a bird, that's all
that's left of that mighty race. (Ask any serious paleontologist. The
scales on their feet isn't an oversight of nature.)
Anyway, back to the subject at hand... I got a job & I love it, I love
the guys I work with, the guy I work for & the perks that come with it
(namely writing). But I had an obstacle before me. Actually it wasn't
before me, it was me & I've been tearing my head inside out to
discover what led to this dilemma.
I recognise it now not to be a dilemma but a chance to evolve, to
grow, to build according to the needs before me as opposed to the
needs I left behind.
This is the box. Character, integrity, and a bunch of other things we
were told to develop as children remain ever important, but what is
even more necessary to note is that these things change. What was
considered integrity in the mid-12th century would be mostly
considered stupidity. (Let me not bore you with the details, but
rather offer your mind a chance to venture there unaccompanied)

As we age, the needs society demands that we meet change. Our sense of
character our change with this. Change for the better, not for some
stupid amalgam based on wrongs done to us in the past, recent or
distant.
I have come to that point where I am determined to preserve myself by
adjusting to the demands made of me.

This post is short because I have get to sleep and work early in the
morning. But basically speaking, I am certain of this...preparing to
change is not anywhere as difficult as changing itself.
Obviously most of us don't remember the terror of teething. I do. And
guess what? The outcome wasn't so bad. I can smile without worrying
about my teeth to gum ratio. It's just right for me. The only thing
that is killing my buzz right now is the lack of power. I can't work
from my phone (yet) & it sucks eggs. But there's tomorrow knocking at
my door, sleep is the key & I'm going to turn it...well, because I can
& also because I must.
That's it. Tomorrow's post will be...
Posted tomorrow, what do you want from me? $1 million? Shit, I'd keep
that to myself first the way things look right now. No wahala, sha.
You're all remembered & loved.

--
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Ex-Factor:it's on me

Maturity is not a bad thing. But it hurts sometimes...most of the time, really.
I'm an intimate type. From the smell of her hair to the feel of her
skin, to the lines on her lips... I remember these things. But I
cannot keep these things. It makes me the picture of pathetic.
Maturity would have saved me face on so many cases. Being raised as a
man who has well defined principles was a blessing as plain as noon on
any good day.
Today, immaturity tastes different. Certainly not better. When I'm
double-minded on issues, it costs me. To sit back into what I truly am
stands against everything they preach in the movies about determining
your own path. It all seems like a lie this evening. Right now, I am
curious about things that break me. It think the thing that breaks me
the most right now is my challenge to be more than what I was
pre-programmed to be. I don't know what that is. Why? I think I'm
missing my path. I don't think it is for a man to invent a new path,
but to find your personal trail in the path put before you.
I accept this because even pioneers can't build from what is not
there. I am a pioneer by nature, by design, by culture and nothing
else about me is true. But I am a coward as judged by my actions &
inactions in the face of challenges. I try another man's way instead
of keeping to my own.
So now I will redefine my path. I will not shy from it. I think most
likely, I will do what is best in this situation.
That is to wait on God. I'm not a perfect man, but there is a
definition of a saint that I like alot. It means no matter how many
times he falls down, he is still intent on getting off his arse so he
can keep on going.
I'm getting up. Not sure how much longer I will be upright, but I am
certain that I will get up when I fall, no matter when that will be.

--
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When you understand, add faith.

I'm going off on a different angle with this post. It is still
educative, if you have accepted that you are still learning at any
stage of your life. Every christian is aware of the statement "It is
finished." It is a curious thing to me. It is often used as a
reference in global events...well, let's just say in every other
person's life, except ours. It is difficult to see what Einstein saw
when he said, "God is in the details."
When we're told that God wants us to be healthy, successful, full of
joy, happy...let's be honest, we tie it to how we feel from moment to
moment. No one tells a toddler about gravity, but he learns to respect
it. Why don't we do the same to the word that God has spoken to us? Is
it really so difficult to believe, to add faith to what he has said?
Perhaps that is why 'it is impossible to please God without faith?'
From the itch that gets your attention at an inconvenient time, to the
beginnings of constipation, to that belch that catches you off guard,
to the fart that theatens to disillusion people next to you about your
perfection (even the queen of england farts...yeah, I said it.) these
details do not escape his notice. We accept that, but we don't accept
that he will intercede in them when we ask? It isn't the sort of thing
he bothers himself about...he is more concerned about the wildlife in
Tanzania or the melting ice caps in the north pole? When will we see
that we're not alone in EVERYTHING? It is finished means everything
that troubles your life, sending it off kilter, while you're here on
earth, all these things have been dealt with.
Stop generalising it. I know the private battles I 'think' I'm
winning. But, perhaps like me, you can't accept that you've won. That
might be the test of faith. We've been given the grace, let us now add
faith to our understanding. Let us add it NOW! Don't shake when
victory seemingly appears out of nowhere, without explanation. It is
finished, remember?

--
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National Miseducation

Variety is the only excuse for abundance- Fernando Pessoa (Erostratus:
The Search For Immortality)

The power of the statement 'there is strength in diversity' has been
waned into nothing, relegated into the realm of clichés, & we are the
worse off for it. We have been so fixated on the examples of 'more
developed' countries making the most of their 'limited resources' that
we cripple ourselves in the bid to be faithful imitations. The variety
of the world has been lent to them, not given neither is it their
birthright. The wiser nationalities still retain their identities. But
all the variety available in the world can never replace the variety
you have at home.
Nigeria enjoys variety in resources that the rest of the world only
dreams of. Variety in terms of usefulness, tribal & cultural offerings
(in terms of history, rites, music, dance, cuisine, etc), natural
resources both mineral & human(skilled & unskilled), we tend to
ignore. The only time we'll respect them, it seems, is when some
foreign person who's been dulled out of mind sees us in our colour &
declares that we have what the rest of the world must model themselves
after. We see our variety without respecting the abundance that comes
with it.
We have abundance in terms of everything that stands us out as people
within a country. But we don't respect it, we don't respect ourselves,
& we will lose it. I'm talking of a material that can't be weighed in
terms of money, or comparative purchase or speculation.
What are we? A mad blend of ability? A forced amalgam of nations &
smaller nationalities? Or perhaps we are 'trouble' maturing over time?
I believe 'No'!

Who can be a better me than I? The potential of my life is the
combined history of my line & of those who I precede is is too great
to yield to cultural conquest.
That is what we're facing. Long after formal colonialism went out of
fashion, it still pervades in terms of choosing the alien over the
more familiar. Just to make things clearer, it is a human error. Even
the Israelites chose foreign gods over the God who brought them out of
Egypt. Perhaps they, like ourselves, felt they could better employ the
use of these gods better than the people they had failed?

I am a christian, more importantly a believer, so I don't think that
God is a foreign entity. The syncretic nature of the religion points
this out clearer than any sum of arguements ever could. How or why?
Simple. We have strong parallels so as to suggest that we've been
prepared for a time such as this, long before our forefathers even
knew of Christ Jesus.

My plea is to not dismiss our past as a paganistic dabbling into
darker arts. It is our truest identity. If you doubt, ask yourself why
english fails to explain Love as explicitly as greek, or latin, or
Spanish. None of these languages are connected to me culturally, but
they do expose the fact that one language cannot effectively encompass
what we seek to know as God.
When Jesus said,'It is finished.', my belief is that he meant man's
search for a means to be worthy of God's attention & full involvement
in the lives of men. The means has been set, have we used it?
If not, we should. It acts as an indictment on us. In whatever
capacity is made known to you, use it to understand Him, & build your
faith in your very core as a person. The reason is simple...nothing
about you is alien to Him. According to His word is the only guarantee
that we will find Him. On his terms, not the terms of the heads of any
church worldwide or your immediate leaders in the church. This is not
an excuse to ignore them or mock them. Rather, it is so that we will
understand that our leaders are just men, our choices are still ours
to make, but they're best when informed by means of exegesis of
trained men. No pastor is God to me, but no pastor is to be mocked by
us. You cannot criticise another man's servant. Think about it.

--
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Myths, Fallacies & the things inbetween

Great sex- is a myth. A great sex life is not. It's perception
determined, not measurable by any known standards. Why am I pointing
this out? Why not? It is the object of daily fantasy. Complete
strangers united by something so private, yet belongs to no one
person.

Love- is a fallacy. The word is an english misnomer. There are
different words for the 'general set of feelings' this word is
associated with. Most of these words are not of the english language.
The greeks did a good job, but when you explore other cultures, you
have to agree that love isn't the best word to describe the courage to
leap into fire for someone you 'adore'. I'm not saying I haven't been
burnt in the process, but really...

Success-is an inbetween. It depends on cultural references. The chap
who set off world war one by shooting Prince Franz Ferdinand & his
wife was considered a cowardly terrorist by the world in general.
Serbia not too recently honoured him as a national hero. Go figure.
Maybe as he was slain, he knew something the world didn't at the time.
Maybe he is a father of present Serbia. Anyway, he's considered a
success now. It is all perspective. But I'm also conviced that is not
democratically determined as well. Our individual selves cannot agree
on what the greatest success is for a man, woman or child. Selah

Equal Relationships- please. Someone must be slave, or selfish.
Altruistic motives are too cotton-candy to last long enough. That's
why I'm convinced in keeping up with the christian faith. You do unto
others as you should for the sake of God, because it is already
understood that His relationship with you is not equal, but you're not
loved any less.

I'm going to sleep now. If any more crop up in my head, it had better
have staying power, because I'm not going to roll over to write shit
down. Got work in the morning, and it 2:50 am already.

--
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A faith cocktail

To mix your faith with your life and the activities is the way we're
designed to live. I know this because of a telling symptom...
Confidence.
A person who speaks with confidence, *not blind passion (dogmatism),
empty courage (bluffs) or skillful repetition (parroting)*, speaks
with a certainty of a stone in flight. He/she will land where he/she
says he/she will because he/she knows the influences, patterns & power
that are at work in his/her life. I bring this up because we've had a
mis-education in our lives. We've extended the fallibility of man to
be an attribute of God. This is the blossoming of the weed (do not
giggle) known as a double-mind. God isn't uncertain of His word, which
He values more than His name. A name contains its bearer within the
contexts of it's bearer's perceived abilities & (more importantly)
inabilities. The universe is not the product of a fallible, uncertain
sentience. A double-mind suggests that it is.
As human beings, we cannot easily relate to anything outside a human
context. A sign of this is the giving of names. We aren't the height
of intellect. This evidence suggests to me that God let us name him so
as to accomodate our 'inabilities'. No name of God is given by him,
save one, the tetragammon YHWH, which we can't pronounce for the basic
issue of the absence of vowels. Every other name is based on what he's
done in the lives of those who presented the name to be used.
I'm talking about this for the simple reason that it pisses God off
something fierce when we mix a tainted faith with what He has said.
He's not finite, doubtful or lost. When he says something in the word,
it is not He 'hopes' will happen. 40 years of 'maybe' stole total
manifestation from those who lived most of their lives as slaves in
Egypt. Don't let it steal from you. You might not be able to afford
what you'll lose next.
The coolest thing about the matter for me is that He put it on him. It
doesn't require goose bumps, shivering or a sense of being stunned.
That He said it is enough. Waiting for His word to come to pass in
your life is inevitable, but confidence/faith is what makes it
relevant for you. Is what makes Him happy. You won't brush him into
the generalisation of Luck.

No one is Lucky with God, or fortunate...blessed. He's consciously
involved with your life & the good things that come into it. It is
faith that encourages more of that... He won't share His glory with
anything that man cooked up to explain away the small showings of His
Power.

--
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Happy Independence Day...

Nigeria is 50...in human years, but not in National years. All things
are relative, even age. It is like man & dog. A man may have a puppy
now, bury it in 10 years, & not be upset about it. To the man, it was
10 years, to the dog it was 70 years or thereabout. Same thing with
countries.
To a man, Nigeria is 50, but in national age, it is still in a crèche.
Many examples cite our need for diapers. Why? Our 'shit' gets away
from us & stinks up the place. The U.S. has been potty-trained, their
shit doesn't get away from them, and we only smell the lingering
traces of it because it's been flushed away. We don't even know where
the toilet is. But it's fine. It's cool. The infant-mortality rate
among countries is pretty high, so we have tried...so far, that is.
But that's us here and now, with self-pity growing around the period.
It's raining hard here right now. Sign of things to come? On the
surface, I'd hope not, but on closer inspection...it all depends on
your perspective.
Showers of blessing/deluges of doom. I pick showers of blessing. There
are too many points of divine intervention in Nigeria's history to
ignore the factor of the supernatural.
We've seen so many coups, deaths (individual & corporate),
dictatorships, sabotage, terror...things that do not encourage
survival. But we survive. We are kept. Preserved by more than what we
can readily understand. It's greater than purpose. It is destiny.
Well, here's wishing Nigeria 50 more years to come. I'll be in my 80s
then, but I'll be able to say we made it...complete with a dance
routine to the tune of 'We Made It- Linkin Park & Busta Rhymes'. Or
maybe there will be another song that better captures the spirit of
the dogged fighter. Not quite sure what to make of everything so far,
except it has been more entertaining than the EPL, in terms of gossip,
happenings, transfers, tackles traded, fouls called but not given,
Offside goals disallowed/allowed in favor of 'bigger teams', players
either earn big or just get by...it is a human system with human flaws
in logic, behaviour and outcome.
I'm not smart, nor a psychologist, but I admire men like Piagét (I
really hope I'm spelling it right) who gave Child-Developmental
Psychology a jump. I'm not sure where our true position is on the 'age
chart' for countries, but we're still young. Impatience guarantees
nothing. Comparison denies individuality. Why should we subject
ourselves to negative influences like these and still expect people
will still sit up.
We haven't decided on we should staying together or not or how we'll stay.
Except we've agreed that we're together. I don't really see a future
apart. We've too much to sample from ourselves to decide that one
group isn't worth saving/dealing with.
Well, let's be grateful for things we offer to the world, then to
ourselves. We've given the world Sade, Seal... I inconveniently forget
the rest. We've given ourselves something to gripe about rather than
gripe about other peoples & countries.
Oh well, that's history in the making for you...on looking back will
you recognise where you were when you were here. I just hope you act
right. I just hope so.

--
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Wounds

I just listened to Lauryn Hill's Ex-Factor. I understand every word,
feel guilty with some, empathy with some more, & hopeful with the
rest.
Love isn't pain. Pain is the use of love as a weapon. Usually the
target isn't readily available, so we hurt the ones nearest or closest
to us, hoping we'll grow on them.
That's worse than crazy. That is REALLY FUCKED UP! And I'm guilty of it.
You know those movies about war veterans who don't realise that the
war is over. I think they had to change their paradigm to survive the
war, but are too scarred to change back. There are those among us who
still carry the paradigm of past relationships & war along with them,
when the time of peace offers better in the now.
My wounds are so ugly & scary to me, but it usually takes a
combination of insight, honesty & courage to deal with them so they
don't lead me to deal badly with others.
Someone made an observation of my conversation on tuesday. The insight
has literally body slammed me out of my new found haze.
I got hurt a few times over the last decade or so & I relegated love
interests to hurry-up-and-be-dead-so-someone-else-can-hurt-me. He
didn't see that far, but it's not his cross to bear or drop.
My eyes sting at certain memories, and my way of handling them is
appalling. It's like walking in the rain, hoping you don't get 'too
wet' without deciding what it is to be 'too wet'.
I can't run from what I've just seen, but I still run from who I could see.
When a woman looks at me with interest, I see a potential
ex-girlfriend/lover, I don't see who I could grow old with.
Maybe my parents' "10 year split" has something to do with that.
These wounds are strange. They don't want to dry into scabs I can
either pick at or ignore.
I feel stupid. But I'm not. Feeling stupid is an indication that
you're just waking up. How do I see the connection? Have you ever
woken up to find yourself in a 'dignified' position? It is when you
wake up that you rearrange yourself. It's like healing. It's like
letting go. With time, you stand up straight and do as you should, not
as your wounds allowed.
I might go apologise to every ex- I think I've hurt. I started last
sunday. It's on-going. I hope their willingness to listen matches my
courage to stand and speak. Is this repentance?
Oh, FYI... I'm not a slut.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Creatives, not creators.

I once thought a creative mind was the product of a spoilt childhood.
Then a creative director intimated me with his take on 'creatives'.
"God speaks to them. If they allow, He speaks through them. But God's
mouth is very close to their ears."
Okay, fine! So I embellished it a bit. But the core of what he said
stuck in my head a year later.
It takes a creative mind to absorb and relate that which is beyond the mundane.
I don't believe 'creative' is the best term for those who see beyond
where they are, what is in front of them, & through the façade of
ordinary being.
I think they are channels.
I, for instance, don't believe evolution clashes with the bible. But
you'd have to be a creative-mind to begin to give what I have to say a
chance to be said.
I don't believe evolution ever stopped. I don't believe evolving is
anything less than a Supernatural occurence. If for anything at all,
one shouldn't mistake creation as a one time only occurence. It isn't
a sign of an undecided mind, rather it is a gradual revealing of a
mind so vast, of a power so great, of a heart so big, that rather than
scare 6,000 types of shit out of us (that's how long 'recorded' human
history is), He slowly offers us a glimpse into how little control we
have in things seemingly insignificant. I use the word seemingly
because we're yet to 'tame' the mosquito & other natural disasters. No
bridge can compare to the design of the Grand Canyon, no weapon is as
deadly as death itself...all we do is design mediums, never a 'thing'
like 'life'.
Your imagination is God's playground & He's always calling you to come
play with him. Mostly we slave our imagination to 'contrary' things,
in the firm belief that we are in full control to the point of
'threatening' God.
I'll have use 2 animal examples to put this across.
There's a favorite Igbo saying of mine: Even the smallest bird, when
eaten to it's fill, will challenge God to a fight. It sounds silly
until it doesn't.
The next (it is less than 24 hours old, but it feels relevant enough)
is sight of an ewe or a ram struggling to sit at your table to eat.
It's just sheep, but even sheep have some level of ego (ever seen rams
fighting?). But is that ego enough for it to claim to be human? Is our
ego enough for us to claim we're God?
I'm awake considering this because I've finally woken up to a very
personal truth... I'm not what I think I am. When I accept this,
growth is possible. Until then, I will always 'feel' less without
knowing why. Another form of nakedness, but I'll go into that on
another blog.

--
Sent from my mobile device

I Kill Giants:a comic worth finding

Any genre of comic deals with fantasy, even when based on reality.
There's a jewish saying,'What is truer than truth? The story.'
'I Kill Giants' is brilliant in its story-telling, in its design, in
its overall approach to the theme.
My eyes burned through it with a hunger reminiscent of my secondary
school days. Then you had to read a comic, enjoy it, follow the story,
then return it within the hour. Speed reading wasn't a class, it was
the comic reader's lifestyle back then. It made studying a little
better, but I digress.
The protagonist is an avid Dungeons & Dragons enthusiast, an
opinionated, smart junior high school student who is ready to confront
anyone, anytime, anywhere. The model 'troubled student'. She's also a
she. Did I also mention that she kills giants.
Getting drawn into her personal world is a journey worth more than the
pages her story is told through. Every leaf is turned to pure gold.
Like any good warrior, she knows the history, the types & tendencies
of her enemies. Facing them makes the school bully less than small fry
in her eyes. A favorite quote of mine,"I'll do things to you that will
make God cry."
Her diminutive stature belies the giant within-pun intended ;)
I've intentionally left out her name. I've also intentionally left out
the plot. That's the wealth of promise the comic offers.
Read it, digest it & you'll discover what good things come with it.

--
Sent from my mobile device

The Eternal Now

Last night, a friend (more like the jerk in my old crew) stated
there's no need to get stuck with the past, but rather to focus on the
future. I'd talk about his silliness & what it's cost him, but that's
both tasteless & tacky. But he inspired this post to be completed.
As corporeal beings, we perceive time to be linear (the assumed
correctness of this suits our general activities & purposes), but it
also robs us of a wonderful thing that God has blessed us with. The
eternal now.
Ideas of eternity are difficult for me to wrap my head around, but the
eternal now makes perfect sense to me (it's up there with the
proclivities of empires, the power of an open face & the inherent
inability to deceive ourselves thus other people).
2 ex-girlfriends & an old crush taught me the value of the eternal
now. The journey of this understanding began when I'd be occupied with
making the next moment wonderful but never appreciating the moment in
the moment. It hit me when she declared we were best platonic. The
first of my ex-girlfriends was where I corrected myself. Every kiss(+
or - tongue), every hug, every touch, every word, every sigh, every
look, every detail, I took in because I caught a glimpse of the power
of the eternal now. Heart break is a more common ailment in the human
race than AIDS or malaria (Not everyone will carry the parasites
responsible, but everyone will care for someone or something more than
they care for themselves and will be disappointed that their point of
fixation isn't as consistent as God).
Well, don't focus on the past. But remember what lessons you've
learned from it and move on up, not shifting to the side. Relegating
yourself for crimes in the past is wrong. Infallibility is a human
inheritance. Still, the irreconcilable offended are a sad fact to
face. Sometimes the only peace you can offer the offended is space. I
accepted that when it favoured me, but not when it didn't. I've grown
up now.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Depression: a few words.

There are few things in this life that are as important as your state
of mind, state of heart. They directly affect your quality of life. I
scrape by with a smile on my face & envy begging for a place in my
life. Sometimes it comes in the form of depression.
If I envy anyone at all, it would be who I could have been (warning:
this does have a few similarities to a suicide note...but I'm
Nigerian. Suicide isn't sexy, so it isn't 'in').
I spent the wee hours of this morning with my brother at his place,
talking about stuff. Usually he makes sense, I just make
profound...somethings(I do have a reasonable command of english,
however somethings humble the language by demanding for a new use of a
word, or for a new word entirely).
He shared with me a need to write down a personal charter of his world
view. I remembered when I had the same thing fixed in my head.
Unfortunately my world view was warped by the cruelties of faithless
hearts. The scars ran deeper than my head & heart could handle, so I
chose to live a shallow life. Where I once saw things in clear,
distinct details, I only see shadows now. It's my fault & it's an
added weight to my cross. It has led to self-destructive habits,
counter-productive behaviour, & a faithless life. I just saw my life
in shadows, & not in it's true, ugly colours.
You have to be conceited to feel depressed. You have to be selfish to
feel depressed. You have to be awake & aware to fight it. And you
cannot fight it alone. Like vultures, it attacks you when you're weak.
Well... I'm still here, but I'm working my mind & heart to see myself
for what I truly am.
I'm more than the sum of my gifts & abilities. I'm a consideration in
the mind of God. That should be enough for now. And as for later? One
day at a time. Right?

--
Sent from my mobile device

Liars have their own hell...? That's plus...maybe?

Uncertainty. This is one thing that has no borders, cultural or
otherwise, in terms of plaguing humanity. Every human being goes
through it & it is not easy on its victims.
Before people bring up 'faith', I'd like to point out that the tenets,
foundation & purpose of any faith has to be understood, accepted &
believed before it can be called faith. Otherwise, it's just another
fashionable trend...like bell-bottoms. Uncertainty precedes all faith,
all confidence & all decisions. Some of us hold onto it longer than
others. It isn't invulnerable. We were armed with something that began
with creation. The communication process. To be more specific, the
trade material of communication. That would be INFORMATION.
Information can be measured by quality/fidelity, quantity/amount. A
thing that gets to me, is how little caution is observed by those who
literally deceive people. There are lies in our schools, in our
libraries, in our societies, & even in our homes. Some of them are
designed to give peace of mind (eg, a contraceptive is not a
prophylactic, ie condoms were designed to prevent conception not
disease), some are birthed by folklore (eg, in socialising, sex isn't
the sole motivation of every male human being in the world to decide
to be nice to a girl, lady or woman...even if large mammary glands are
involved, remember those were the friendliest things in the world to
most people at some time in their lives). The examples are as many as
there've been people on this planet. But the lie that gets under my
skin & comes to mind at 3 am this morning, is the lie of power &
possession.
First of all, everything is on loan. Even the eyes your reading this
with aren't yours for keeps. If you doubt me, go to the nearest
graveyard & see if anyone bothered to 'take' anything from their
corporeal life.
I see pointless cruelties dancing before my eyes. Cruelties birthed of
lust (yes, my heart's got tread marks on it), the desire to covet
(yes, I've been robbed of things that I knew were useless to the
thieves like my time, my faith, my trust, my passion)...we're never
going to live up to half a million days (you can do the math. I'll
wait), so why?
I'm not advocating surrendering to vagaries, but a little more
thought, more empathy (sympathy is useless to those who need more than
your sombre nodding, sniffling or tears) you could leave something
bigger than what anyone else can steal, kill or destroy.
Any examples on offer? I'm glad I asked. Archimedes invented the
screw. Originally it was to draw water from wells, but he couldn't
have imagined where the 'march of the screw' has gotten so far (use
disinfectant for your minds, please. You know who you really are.)
Give more than what you usually offer. Give yourself to the world in
the little ways that you can. That is not a lie. What is a lie? That
you can do your best later. That you're not that important. That your
contributions won't matter much in the end.
Read more history. You'll be humbled.

--
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Much ado about hard returns.

It's funny, tragic & annoying how quickly we want to make hard & heavy
returns. It's sad. We make deals with devils & make others pay our
dues. Fortunately, God has blessed us with a natural elasticity for
hard living. Unfortunately, we're yet to direct such toughness to
paths where we won't be blinded by greed, avarice & mortal fear.
I was told of a mine of human resource that exists right under our
noses. The Federal Institute of Industrial Research Oshodi (FIIRO).
They've been at their workshops, offering alternate industrial income
solutions via research, feasibility studies & courses to the
public...since the Shehu Shagari administration & no one has taken up
the gauntlet to bridge the divide between the knowledge & the
industrialists who need it. I use the word 'need' carefully.
The solutions of a western state are exactly that. From a distinct
ambient temperature difference to cultural sensitivities to divergent
needs, what they offer cannot fill our needs as sick giant, prone &
restless on our back. Our collective responsibility as a creative,
driven & talented gathering of diverse tribes & cultures has not
changed. We need to push ourselves up to get up.
Waste to wealth is how Uncle John put it. There's nothing that has to
go to waste just because we have no popular 'western' idea of dealing
with leftover Pure Water bags, corn cobs &stalks, powdered kunu drinks
& tomato pureé...but we need them. The ideas have been explored by
intellectuals who've been conditioned to think outside the box & for
the real world in terms of application. Their work is regarded as
thorough, their skill-set is not child's play, & their committment is
inspiring. Maybe, just maybe, we don't deserve them. Or maybe we're
still so asleep, drunk off the life of a consumer nation, that we
forgot we 'produced' in the not too recent past. What good comes of a
man who happened upon another man's need & met it without meeting his
very own? We provide the world crude oil, manpower, entertainment (our
political history is a treasure trove of plots & twists, for we do
live in interesting times as a country), & yet we assume mediocrity is
chased away by consistency alone? Grow up! I don't speak in specifics
because there will be over 150 million other voices that would not be
heard out. Why should I speak in specifics? We're decidedly shallow
(why else would a set of people poison what would change lives
positively, keeping every good made available ready to be uprooted at
the slightest shake?), unrepentantly dense (I've heard of parents who
would delay payment of school fees because of car payments, all for
the sake of the appearance of wealth. Pride is a poor substitute for
actual advancement or education, but it the basic entry requirement
for the school of 'very' hard knocks).
I feel anyone can do the greatest good or evil. All it takes is a
step. The intentions will offer themselves to us, we will have to
prepare our minds on what we want (specifics not needed at this point)
& follow through on the intentions. If one will help, help. Don't
block other people because the idea didn't come through you or you
feel you won't be adequately recognised. Most of us alive now won't be
remembered 100 years from now. Neither, I strongly suspect, will any
of us care. But we owe it to our children. Our parents haven't cleared
their debt to us, let's not pass it on.
Soft returns are not for the soft minded (ask any erect penis). They
don't make for a killing, they make for a living, a building up
towards greater things than what's available now.
Should you have a chance to build towards something, take it. You'll
mature better. Though not faster, but hey, those who laugh last...

--
Sent from my mobile device

Separation is key to bonding

I'm writing this at the Unilag amphitheatre. There are so many kids
here lining up for the screening of candidates. They remind me of my
own recent past. It's not too fresh in my mind, but I remember the
simplicity of the journey from secondary school to university. None of
this madness, none of this crowded do-it-yourself show why your money
should be taken so you can 'say' you're in Unilag. I don't think
intellectual prowess is key here. Meritocracy is in submission, and
the hustlerr are in charge. M. Scott Peck said it is natural to
descend into chaos, it is supernatural to ascend into order. I think
he's right. People talk of the nigerian problem. It is a human
problem. Once recognised for what it is, things become easier to deal
with. N10bn to spend in one day? Better targetted at reviving dead
industries than at celebrating a journey through hardship when we've
not broken free of a consumer mentality.
I don't begrudge the government for their spending culture. They see
things differently from the rest of us. Very differently. That's why
I'm surrounded by kids desperate to get ahead in education to the
point of paying out of their pockets for a right long regarded as a
privilege.
This separation from government that the people endure makes most
sense when you think of government as the presiding authourity in
civil matters. To do this effectively, one must be unbiased by most
means...but not in every sense. It does no good to justice that you &
the judge share the same woman. He just might be the possessive type
:)
Let's just say that my thoughts are not neutral, but rather leaning to
the side of the right to a better life for all.
If given half of that money to refurbish the power sector, education,
health, things will look up pretty quickly & you won't have to look
for people to smile with you. You'll be keeping them back. But
governance isn't a popularity contest. It is something more scared. It
is a duty to God. I can only imagine what's going on in their heads
right now. And they don't take correction easily. But God can take
your prayers for them because they struggle with things we assume to
be the ingredients of an easy life. Power is burden to the wise.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Needs help writing suicide note

I want to die. I believe in reincarnation, but only in a sense.
Sometimes I think we get so focused on what's popular thought that we
forget about the useful thought. I'm the walking dead right now.
Something is going to have to die in me for God to resurrect me. I
don't want to be the man I am today. I don't want to wake up to be who
I am right now. I don't despise him, but he is not useful to the
church, to himself or to God. He has to go, so God can step in.
Usually there are certain regrets, last wishes one has when dealing
with this stuff.
Curious what yours might be.
Still thinking about mine.
That's the stuff of suicide notes. The apologies, the regrets...that
kind of stuff.

--
Sent from my mobile device

As old as prostitution

The oldest 'popular' profession. It is the sure sign of civilization
creeping into a town. When I served in my National Service year, I was
posted to a very small, border town called Ikom. I was far from home &
worried about being in a village pretending to be more than it was. So
I sought out the local brothel & found it (not for their services,
which I was assured, was pretty decent. I took their word for it.)
I discovered it & took 2 mental notes.
1. There was development going on, meaning lots of strangers showing
up as labour force, meaning they hadn't been there long enough to
patiently initiate 'romantic' affairs.
2. I would do all in my power to avoid that place. I'm a friendly guy,
the best prostitutes are tough & unforgiving. Best not to discover if
they can or can't take a joke.
Now what is as old as prostitution? Certainly not government, or
money. I think it must be raising a family.
Is that really work? Yes. It is. Ask any young mother. Success will
laud you, failure will haunt you, & there is no inbetween, only
degrees of both.
So in honour of the mothers in our lives, I decided to write this entry.
Very often, a mother is described as a gentle, nurturing agent of God
who is our first & strongest connection to the world. Look, the trust
a child has for its mother can't be quantified. Somewhere, deep in
your sub-conscious, you recall the effort put into your comfort, your
feeding, your safety, your first education, your play...that bearded
guy that smelled funny would often just be that thing called 'daddy'.
His efforts are not always recognised as being important in that
stage. But they are.
Between both of them, you were conceived, brought to full term,
birthed (let nobody deceive you, the hospital bills exist. No one is
really born for free), clothed, fed, groomed, raised, schooled...so
long as they're alive, you're their project.
I brought this up because I realise that I don't give that much credit
to my parents. I talk to them often enough, but to value them more
than I do now? Yeah, there's so much more room for that.
I once made the error of asking a girl to choose me over her dad (I
have knocked my head deeper than any of you ever could, so don't
worry. Lesson learned & will remain unrepeated)
I hadn't respected that bond as much as she did. I was pretty much
incorrigible as a child. I guess the image of a tree of money in the
village changed form in my mind, but its essence still stayed.
What I should have done was to respect her old man more. Don't have to
like him to respect him. If I was to love her as she deserved, I'd
respect him as she did.
Oh well. That's life for ya.

If you have the time, don't wait for father's day, or mother's day to
appreciate them. Just do it.

I hope to be married someday. I know I'll be involved in that
occupation. I know I'll be unappreciated by the kids because I offer
nothing from my paps (an old english word for tits) but my beating
heart underneath them. But that isn't enough to get me down. I'll
appreciate them. I won't wait for children's day to do so.
I'll also appreciate their mother. I won't wait for valentine's day to do so.

So...how about that women's U-20 silver medal, eh? Go falconets.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Feel like a fleck of dust...

On the back of God's neck. It can be scary to understand where your
place in existence could have been sans Christ. I say existence
because we are such vain creatures that we've imagined that the only
reason we don't have regular extra-terrestial visitations is that
there's no one else out there. I'm not advocating for or against, but
I have a problem with people who imagine there aren't better places to
visit than earth. I wonder what they call us where we're only noticed
as a star. Where we loosely refer to as Orion's belt, is somebody's
home. What do they call 'my' home? As I write this, I think I've had
it with this insomnia. I lose productivity recovering from listening
to sounds that fuel my imagination at hours that are popularly
referred to as ungodly. I need to change time zones urgently. Will
someone please answer this cry for help? Thinking aloud, but listen to
this bout of honesty.
I am a man. I have to daily deal with my parents' unintentional
failures, my personal failings, & the negative garbage that comes my
way via the society I live in. It is hard to be productive in a place
that slaps the shit out of me when I attempt to speak of a pattern
that I recognise and attempt to put together in my writing. I'm
privately glad that my words are tolerated by you few guys. Why? Are
you kidding me?
Brain Waves are a thing of the future, except for a few. We use them
now. I feel like a man who had the football skills of David Beckham in
the mid-19th century. Pretty to look at, but no one's going to pay a
farthing to see or use to further the British Empire.
I'm not depressed. I just realised how insignificant all of this is
outside of God. Insignificant.
I have been told to ground myself, to find stability... I couldn't
agree more. But when you've faced internal suicide as often as I have.
It is pretty hard to be 'sensible'.
As I close this blog, it is my intention to ask God to step in or drop
me off. Not a threat. Just a need for clarity.
To quote Conan the Barbarian: One thing I ask of you, Crom. Grant me
revenge. But if you cannot even do that, then to hell with you.
Well...he got his revenge. You know what revenge for me is?
Success. Success is the ultimate revenge. I don't care for 300k women,
who are total strangers, harbouring fantasies about me when with their
husbands.
Success is actually getting my work to work for me. My writing
becoming the basis of a novel series, television series, movie deals,
or some kids I don't know from Adam walking up to me & telling me that
my books changed them for the better.
An SL 500 won't be too bad either. Or a few literary (cash) prizes,
critical recognition, or a nice house to sit about to dream up & write
down in, or wife & kids who know when not to disturb Daddy, or love my
french toast and curl up in bed with me to listen to my tall stories
about how Lagos was a hard place to live in when I was a child in the
80s (Daddy, what do you mean there was no internet? So how did you
talk with people abroad? Oh, cell phones right?)

Thank you for sharing this private moment with me. I will endeavour to
reduce the insanity next time. Endeavour is the key word.

P.s. Know any entreprising mad men willing to work a series of
literary ideas all the way to the big screen? Or at least a short
length feature at Cannes?

--
Sent from my mobile device

Would you prefer a 'job' opportunity or a job?

He who has a WHY can survive any HOW- F. Nietzsche.
I looked back at my life & the lives of those I love enough to care
about. (This was while, suprise suprise, my eyelids were coming
together) from advertising to radio to banking to magazine editing.
Most were jobs, the only opportunities available were changing
departments or promotion.
I'm not knocking paid employment. I'd rather be slapped silly than do
that...well, not really, but I trust my point is made clear. It has
been a ride to crazy places. I think that if I were to choose, I'd
have to say... Job Opportunities.
Let me highlight some of the things I've learned in terms of employment.
1. Work sucks. It doesn't matter what you're doing, if there's an
aspect that requires drudgery, then it sucks. It has been a very
dulling affair for me. 6 figures cannot make up for dying dreams. In
advertising I wanted to make short films, in radio I wanted to make my
own comedy programmes, in banking I wanted to revolutionize lending
processes so the economy would be supported by the banking industry
(not the other way round. No apologies from my end on this because the
chickens came home to roost & the economy didn't feel any obligation
to aid the banks), in magazines I wanted to validate the readers by
offering succour via articles that would hit home not just parade
other people's opinions. But in advertising I had climbing obligations
(I was being used, but I didn't mind since I was learning on the job.
I should have been paying THEM), in radio I wasn't a good politician
(I'm still rubbish at it. I'd rather a good job done as a team, than
pulling team members down. It's true. It's King's College thing, to
back-up, support & defend your mates. Floreat), in banking I had to
deal with keeping other people's promises while stomaching the insults
for my desire to help my customers more than wanting to get money from
them (I do concede the relationships were older than my involvement in
the bank, but when push comes to shove, the small businesses we could
have supported would have done more for us than the big businesses
that 'remember' to perform their loans with a feeling that we needed
them more than they needed us. My opinion anyway.) in magazines I hate
having to babysit publishers while trying to do my work (and politics
came in again. I tried to stand up for the team, everyone just looked
at me like I was crazy. Well, when things came to a head, as I'd been
trying to forestall, I kept my opinions to myself. I couldn't afford
half-a-shit about their problems.)
There were opportunities abound in these situations, but it does feel
dishonest to do 'your' work at the expense of the 'employer's' work.
Still some people get by that way. Won't knock them about it. My drum
follows different strokes.
I was offered an opportunity to work under a draconian chap who's
pleasant enough on the informal tip but a dragon on the formal. I'm
still praying about it. I've got 24 hours to reply. Whatever I get
from God, I will do. I just hope I hear clearly. In times like these,
hunger screams pretty loudly. Heh heh...
I know that if I do take the opportunity, I stand to touch things I
only dreamed about, even if the work sucks & I have to play
pretend-politician. It comes with a price, opportunity.
Very often, you get peeled back like an onion until you stand naked,
bare of all psychological covering & in need of emergency TLC. You get
too tired to pray & hear from God for your next move.
At this point I will quote Bolaji Idowu- Everybody has their fights.
There are some fights that when you win, you don't have to fight most
of the others.
Opportunities present those kind of fights to you. I don't know what
your fight is, or what your opportunities are (in or outside paid
employment) but I do know this...if God, who gives us the power to
make wealth, is all you're looking at or looking for, He will add
everything, & I mean everything without exclusion, to you.
I have to shut down now. Thinking of the hard-mind mentality I'll need
to keep up with God, and grateful that He has made the strength
available to keep up. All that's on me right now, is to do it.
I'm not smart, by the way. Maybe that's what'll come out of me at the
end of this road. Maybe.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Pre-Insomnia poetry

Everybody knows who threw the first blow/ Who're you fighting for,
Cain or Abel, nobody really knows.
Men tells us to war, tell victory promises covering heaven & earth/
But who're they kidding? They couldn't even promise birth.
I'm not feeling tired or defeated, inspite of how I'm treated/ I'm
choosing where I stand as history's repeated.
Where's the road we're treading on going? Direction we're flowing/
Half the battle is staying alive, the other half is knowing.
No man is greater than me, I'm no greater than Jesus/ That's why I ask
him forgive us because he sees us.
My cross is on me, my carrying it is daily/ Even on days when it feels
like it doesn't suit me.
I'm reminded to be humble whenever a bit of trouble/Comes towards me &
my attitude starts to fumble.
Give me space, give me room, give it to me soon/ My heart's not in it
just to win it, but to do what He wants me to.
To prove Jesus right in my every fight, day or night/ He sees me
clearer than we see black & white.
My weaknesses are real, they toy with how I feel/ But I must outlast
them to win, that's the deal.
I try to press on, then I fall, & to top it all/ People see you in
trouble they don't even stop or stall.
To curse sounds great, that is no debate/ Until your life is changed
in your truest state.
That's you naked & not hidden, answering when bidden/Knowing the
Master's voice when he wants your best, not your average or middle.
What does He promise in exchange for your very best?/ Faith comes with
things we as a race can't fathom just yet.

I wrote this after I ran into someone from my better past. I'm getting
back on the road. She would have been great to date, but I'm
unfit...and I know it. So... I press on. Thanks for reading.

Does Lagos really win when she breaks people?

There are few things sadder than the forced appearance of success. The
fact of glory without power, power without glory, success without
substance, substance without success...my parents never did prepare me
for this. It is a thing I'm to prepare for by my own self. I think
about these things because I can't help it. I wonder what things await
the next corner & I'm fast losing my patience in the promises that
seem to slack in coming to pass. I'll share this story with you.
I ran into a few friends that reminded me of when we were still kids
burning with visions of 'Being Big'. When you're on the cutting edge,
your talent providing for you, your personality speaking for
you...looking at them, I can't help but remember the words of a
William Butler Yates poem 'A king wastes his blood being the dream of
other men.' I may have misquoted it, but the essence is intact. We are
kings without kingdoms, our subjects have nothing to offer us, but our
life's blood is spilt on the altar of their fantasies. Why? It is our
duty. We could slack & duck behind office jobs, but we would blend in
like dolphins with sharks.
The corporate world called me again. Perhaps they've always been
calling, but I was deafened by my desire to be an accomplished artist.
This desire has taken so many hits, that when I think about it, I have
to wonder aloud if it isn't singing a sad intro to suicide.
Lagos is the gathering point of talent in Nigeria, the door to the
outside world, the home of the annual Black Heritage festival...& yet
she breaks us who are dedicating our lives to our art. Daily.
Perhaps I'm a poor student of the hustle, perhaps I'm a depressing
example of those who believed in the dream too quickly to count the
costs accurately...who knows? Who cares? I'm here. Where am I going
from here? I do not know. So what do I know?
Lagos doesn't win when she breaks her own. I'm not a Lagosian, but I'm
of Lagos. I've seen 4 coups, 1 was unsuccessful, 2 interim
governments, a shaky beginning to democracy...compared to any european
my age outside, I'm older. Not twice as old, but close enough.
I think Lagos breaks us so we won't forget God who provides, protects,
blesses, guides & shows favor. But Lagos still doesn't win. How many
of her own has God saved & still wanted to pay Lagos good for evil?
How many? From poverty association with the police, to random violence
with the army, to insensitivity with the government workers...to say I
know where we're going is a lie. It is sad when parents teach their
kids to eat the flesh of their contemporaries. I've seen them. It
breaks my heart. Twice an acquaintance has tried to hustle me via the
promise of oil transactions. The only people gaining are the telecomms
companies. It seems his inspiriation comes from another person who hit
it big...but seems unready to share how he did it.
I've not finished. I've walked alongside people who mistake patient &
quiet people for fools. It doesn't really matter the industry or
company. I've even caught myself doing that. But I remember a
saying,'beware the anger of a patient man.' I think that is how it is
going to play out. Success is the best revenge, I believe that with
all my remaining heart. But I also believe that success & revenge lie
in the hands of God. You can't seize either of them. You can join
groups, cults, but it is only with God that good things come without
sorrow. Recently a large global cult has been suffering huge
membership turnover. Why? The sorrow outweighs the success offered. I
think what's even sadder is that it took this long for the realisation
to sink in. Hey, everyone to his/her own, right? So long as you don't
mess with me & my own. I had to share this because even though I slept
last night, I didn't rest. I need more than a miracle right now. I'm
fit to make war, even though I'm more of a brawler than a martial
artist. But I don't want to. I can't afford to. No one to tend to my
grave.
I haven't lost faith, only I've woken up to the fact that my eyes were
still half-open after my personal revelation.
I'll give back to Lagos. I've no choice in the matter. My only other
option is to make the world worse for my children. It gets me
wondering if my parents' generation didn't make the same observations,
but what we have now is based on the options taken by the majority. I
don't think the picked the first option. I think that's where they
failed. I think that's why Lagos still breaks people. I think.

An elegant ugliness

I think, therefore I am- Rene Descarte.
The appreciation of life will always be an understatement until you
die. This my submission on the brief actualities that we living
creatures must wait on. These things will not happen according to our
will. I get the sense of the revelation of God in certain pockets of
our lives, certain Points of No Return.
Like your first orgasm. The memory of it gets fuzzy after you've
abused your body in search of a faithful repeat (you know what I
mean...) but it is such a near religious experience, that I'm often
tempted to believe it to be a desperate search for what we don't
understand that is so much more than le petit mort. It was used in
pagan rites...well, it is used in pagan ceremonies to flavor the
disappointment of falling short of what we seek.
I digress (again, I'm sorry).
I think I'm more curious about the paths of death than the actuality
of it. Death not in physical terms, but in other terms. I think the
most general analogy I can give is the necessary death of a seed to
become a shoot. What applications does this have for us? To die to our
proclivities, our selfishness, our points of stupidity, our bad
habits, our favorite lies, our crutches, our addictions...many things
to die to. Thankfully, it is a popular hope that we will outlive these
necessary deaths.
These necessary deaths are an Elegant Ugliness to me. Death is ugly,
messy, unpleasant, & completely terrible to consider. However it is
the results of these deaths that makes up for this. The results are so
often elegant. I know. I've seen it & I've never being blown away
quite like when I see them.
Like when I learned that I had to be more grounded. I'm a nomad by
nature. I'm not a corporate creature. Never been. Tried it a few
times. I just like things to function to the point of valid results.
Due process is welcome, except when it takes too much independent
thought from the individual, stemming initiative, encouraging
dependency & ass-kissing. I hate it when it gets too much. But I'm
working towards being more grounded. The results promise to be so very
beautiful so far. I'm not quitting just yet. Even though things aren't
fully defined yet, I take it like a farmer who has to have faith that
his seeds are germinating. Yeah. That's it.

What is stupid?

It's not ignorance. It's not fear. It's not misguided thoughts. It's
acting on them. There's a time lag between stimulus & response. That
is what determines stupidity on a scale of 0-10. I have been stupid. I
can't promise I won't be stupid later. Very often it is most clear in
hindsight. It keeps a man humble when he realises his mistakes. To
quote Seal's When a man is wrong,' Oh my friend. You sometimes get
things wrong to get things right.'
I wish it was all the time. Well. I'm going to shut my eyes now. I
hope it's not going to be in futility. I guess it will be, but hey, I
don't count sheep since I learned about their uses in distant
countries where a shepherd can be lonely. It just ruined it for me.
Sleep in exchange for a rude laugh. God help me.

--
Sent from my mobile device

A harvest of Tigers

It is possible to destroy the future. The man who kills a million is
no murderer to him who kills billions unborn. It is from regret that
men consider the possibility of alternate futures. We often question
the cruelties of others, blindly advocating for universal fairness &
justice. Blindly, I say, because no man is yet able to accurately
measure the worth of a single human life in isolation. In all our
preaching & posing, we still fall short of the things that are
expected of our intellect, like realising that no man is God. It is in
this that we are arrogant, for we believe that, very much like all
things biological, the fruits of a man's life cannot be changed.
People don't change, but when they learn what they don't like about
themselves, discover what they do like & commit to it, their fruits
change. It depends on how early or how late they discover this & also
on what they do with the discovery. The tragedy is when people don't
discover the best part of themselves.
It is very often that the best of a parent is found in their
child/children. Sometimes it is cherished, nurtured & strengthened by
the parents & older people. Most times it is crushed, destroyed &
given no chance to become. This is the death of a Tiger. The African
Tiger is a myth. There are no tigers on the continent...except in the
spirit. The Lion & the Tiger are not the same. The Lion struts, the
Tiger stalks. The Lion hunts when he has no Lioness to hunt for him,
the Tiger hunts because he can. The Lion is wary of the strength of
the prey he chooses, the Tiger couldn't care less (the insane fear
elephants have of the Tiger's growl is proof enough for me). The Lion
knows when he's too weak to hunt, his pride will abandon him to his
fate, the Tiger lives knowing he depends on no one. The Lion is a
politician, the Tiger is a warrior. The Lion likes to sleep, the
Tiger...is never really still. The Lion is king of the jungle, the
Tiger is what it is, as he is too hard for a title, he'll simply just
show you what he is and leave with sated blood-lust. But of all the
big cats, the one I admire the most is the leopard. It is the only one
with a taste for man-flesh. He never hunts directly. He'll let you see
him & will then circle you. Actually, he uses distraction. You keep
him on the brain for so long, you don't notice that he isn't coming
for you head-on. He attacks from behind. Not noble, I know, but you
have to understand he doesn't weigh that much, accepts his
short-comings and will work his way round them. He likes to eat
man...and dog. True account, I'm not even joking. He can go out of his
way to steal a dog from a compound. Cat eat dog. This leopard in
question 'stole' 3 dogs from a man. One of them from his inside his
bedroom.
I wrote this when I understood better what it means to be. Who said
you have to follow examples before you all the time? The best example
you ever got was how to walk. Once you're on your feet, well...the
rest is up to you. Pick your path, choose your direction, know your
God, give your best...only you and God know where you're coming from,
where you're aiming for...GOD alone knows where you'll end up. But
those who have gone before us offer us examples of 'possible' not
'definite' endings. Think about it. Thank you, insomnia.

--
Sent from my mobile device

All arrogance is false

Arrogance. Its connotation is stronger & more virulent than its
denotation. This masks its true meaning. That is what leads to a host
misinterpretations.
Arrogance is not confidence: I see confidence as the logical outcome
of personal certainty based on experiences that have proved one right.
There're a lot of people described as arrogant. Sadly, I've often been
among them. It still humbles my imagination. When I say I want
something a certain way, I mean I want it a certain way. Other
people's uncertainties are not my problem. In my professional
capacities, I've been described as arrogant, aloof, a snob...& it
makes me less charitable towards my colleagues. Radio station, bank
branch, magazines... I actually started to worry that I might have a
personality disorder. Right now, if I have a disorder, I'm enjoying
it. Immensely!
Arrogance is not passion: The mental pictures I have of passion are
myriad. A couple determined to have their first baby. Liverpool
defeating AC Milan from a deficit of 3-0 (what a comeback!). My
girlfriend's kiss when we thought we were going to get married (I
thought anyway, I was young &...). My rage at a guy mocking my
girlfriend's name. A sports bar during an EPL match with the top 5
clubs. A man not ready to settle for less from his team when all the
chips are on the table. Jose Mourinho when his team scores a goal (he
forgets himself & becomes a child again). I end the examples with him
because he's called arrogant. But he's done his homework, he's prepped
his team, & he's reasoned out the outcome he's satisfied with. His
record of never losing a match at home stands across Porto, Chelsea &
Inter Milan(7 frigging years, o!). He's passionate, not arrogant.
Arrogance is not talent: All sorts of strengths & intelligence (which
manifest themselves as talent) are misconstrued to be arrogance. Being
aware of your talent helps with your sense of self-worth. Your
abilities lend you confidence. Most importantly, your talent makes
room for you socially in terms of being in your own element. Sometimes
some people who are borderline autistic relate with other people only
via this talent (just had a brain fart of an autistic armed robber.
Just a brain fart.). Anyone with a firm grasp of his talent will
choose to stick with what he knows & grow it. It is also known as
focus.

I wrote this as I considered many things done in the name of
confidence, passion etc, that were attributed to arrogance on my part
as well as on the part of most of you guys. It isn't something to
spend your wakeful awareness on. Rather it is possibly the point at
which arrogance must reveal itself. With intelligence comes a
necessary arrogance. Like the doppler effect, or the dual
(wave-particulate) nature of light. When light is dispersed, there's
an attedant effect that follows.
Intelligence...is a necessary tool for the advancement of mankind that
also separates mankind.
Maybe this is my manifestation of arrogance...maybe.

--
Sent from my mobile device

What draws us to mysteries?

The opposite of curiosity is negligence. Not an original idea of mine.
It was Michel de Montaigne.
Ignorance is a deadly disease. The prospects of ignorance lead to poor
decisions, avoidable troubles, losses, pain, fear, & a lot of things
comparable to death or degrees of it. I will give a few personal,
albeit murky, examples:
I didn't know that my way of thinking doesn't even occur to people who
don't share my point of view. The effort I put into appreciating
theirs wasn't worth reciprocation to them.
I was ignorant of people's vices. I don't term the more obvious like
smoking or drinking alcohol as seperate from the more covert vices
like mastrubation, or cocaine. A vice is a terrible device used by an
individual who willfully surrenders his life to anything that's
ungodly or not God. Workaholics are included in this. The painful
truth is still the truth. It is what lies ipso facto, that is to say,
the fruits or results of such vices that makes them obviously wrong or
evil.
If one is not curious about the things one engages in, then you can
say the person is negligent. Of course it can be extended to
interactions with other people, but it still boils down to negligence.
I've been negligent of many things, & it was borne of the choice of
not making it a priority to understand better where I was in life &
why I did what I did.
You have to ask questions of yourself. Many personal issues we have to
UNDERSTAND our way out of. Like irrational dependency on the opinions
of others. It's is good to get the opinions of others, but there are
those of us who literally freeze until someone else approves of their
moves or decisions.
I humbly submit this in the hope that someone will have a clearer
view, based on experience (1st or 2nd hand experiences count).
Being nosy is unhealthy curiousity. I don't like nosy people & I've
been most uncharitable towards them. I'm somewhat apologetic about
that, but not too. Like the chap who accosted me over a favorite
t-shirt of mine (it was old, faded. I wore it only at night on campus.
It said 'No more Mr. Nice guy, on your knees bitch'. You'd think he'd
take a hint). I looked him squarely in the face & said, " I like this
T-shirt. It's old, yes. But it has more character than some people I
know."
Poor dear, took him to 2 days to catch the bullet. I know because it
took him that long to start avoiding me. Hee hee hee! (wiping a tear
from my left eye)

--
Sent from my mobile device

What's worth remembering?

The prescribed approach to the past, by Apostle Paul, is to count as
worth nothing when compared to knowing Christ. Been thinking about
that. All successes, failures, joys, pains, epiphanies, depression,
highs, lows...to be regarded as nothing. I used a euphemism.
Apparently, not that he cursed or swore, but he said he regards it as
'dung' which in our current vocabulary is 'shit'. I'm with him on
that.
My common entrance exam score... I don't remember. But I hit the
national list, both times. My Jss scores... I don't remember, but I
did make it across. My SSCE scores...vaguely. I don't count it
important these days. My first 1,000 disappointments...nah, don't
recall. My first 5,000 joys...nope.
Why is this? As human beings, we're designed to forget so we can move
on. And we don't, because we're mostly unsure of what we are to move
on to. That's where this gem comes up. Count it all as dung. An
unattractive waste...when compared to knowing Christ.
Why am I, a broken toy, an unaimed arrow, a strange head...speaking of
this? I'm certain that the first time we used our eyes, forced them to
focus without even knowing how to do so, it hurt. It felt like an
aberration, but it was the next step to being who we really were.
That's what it feels like where I am right now. So many things have
brought me to my true mind. The mind that counts all achievements as
dung, so I can reach out towards who I really am.
There are a few things that I know I'm not. I know I'm not a player
(no ahems, Yegwa. Please do not spoil my market.lol!), that is, I'm a
serial monogamist. I know I'm not a soldier...not certain if I can
kill, but would do everything in my power to avoid such a situation. I
know I'm not a business tycoon. I know that I'm not gay. I know I'm
not unkind, cruel (in its truest connotaton), unfair, sane (as in,
conventional boxed thinking) or very stupid.
Good, bad and very ugly things have risen because of my not being any
of these. So, the question is What Am I? You know the most popular
answer to a difficult question, neh? "That's a very good question."
I believe who I am is determined by what God says & how well I listen. Pere.
Am I going fundamental? Well, no. I'm just better appreciating where I
am so I can drop this dung & go to where I should be. What is this
dung? Well, let me see... (it's kinda like confession, but not. I
won't apologise. But I will admit.)
I'm fond of smoking, I like a nice, healthy red wine (with fruit
aromas, like Barton & Guestier), I am in possession of a healthy
sexual appetite, I shy away from confrontation (I've blood-lust
issues)...
Lots of other things, but I won't bore you with them. But I will say
this... I'm certainly growing up.
I can't explain it. It's not exciting to me. It's frightening, like
I'm trying to focus my eyes for the first time. The womb didn't hold
the future for me. It held me 'for' my future...if that makes sense.
And it does.
I am unable to succeed for myself. I've the mentality of a guardian,
of a cover, of a husband. Not in search of approval, but in search of
the comfort of my loved one(s). I thought it was stupid, then it hit
me. It isn't stupid. It never was. The only problem was my thought
process had a point of incomplete reasoning. If I'm seeking to cover
another, who do I seek to cover me?
The story of the prodigal son wasn't about wealth, or waste...it was
about power. His father was his cover, he wanted to be his own cover,
he got what he wanted, but was pulled down by what came along with it.
Same here.
I never fully understood my role, no matter how many women I've dated,
kids I've taken under my wing, strangers who recieved kindness without
merit... I was without cover. It easily turns all my efforts to dung.
I've gotten no further than when I decided to go it alone.
A friend remembers me way back in high school as being like a jedi. He
insists I look like Mark Hamill when he was at his best (cruel, I
know. :) so?). I remember that because it was then that I still had
God as my cover, both consciously & intentionally. I'm hoping to get
back to that state. Pray that I do. There'll be nothing greater than
to count it all as dung so I can start counting better things in the
future.
Thanks for your time, & viewing. It's not easy being my friend, is it?
But it sure can be a pleasant distraction, neh?

--
Sent from my mobile device

Things to do

The hardest debt to pay is the debt to self. There are things that
discipline opens up for you, but you need it to recognise them, to
follow through & to recieve your prize. Unfortunately, after being a
drone for an industry of extraordinary selfishness, my personal
discipline record nose-dived. I got this into my head after reading
the bible.
It says in Proverbs He who is slack in his work is the same as he who
destroys. Note, it doesn't say he who is slack in the work of
'others'. It says in 'his' work. So what is 'my' work? Finding that
out is one aspect of 'my' work.
1. Leadership: I remember reading about pregnant women in China who
were attempting to induce labour on the 31st of december. It was
because the next year was the year of the sheep. It was humourous to
read, but I found it sobering once my laughter subsided. I was born in
the year of the Horse. My birth color is yellow, & my birth element is
earth. Sadly I don't possess the skill of chinese poetry, otherwise
I'd have arranged a name for myself that would be sooo cool. Still,
when I think about it, Yellow Earth Horse can't be rescued by anything
but the best in Chinese nomenclature.
What is it that I can rescue/contribute to that I 'can' be the best
at? What is my design of the 'better mouse trap'? Well, it's okay not
to know immediately. It is. But it's not okay to not do something in
the interim.
Everyone is a leader of some sort. Not necessarily Commander-in-Chief,
but a leader.
I won't drop the original japanese form a quote that comes to mind,
but I will drop the quote. "He who hasn't completed his stomach isn't
fit to lead. He who has completed his stomach is a leader."
An interpretation offered was that he who hasn't worked on himself has
no business being in charge of anything. Examples litter modern
Nigerian history. I don't want to join their number. I'm desperate not
to. Very. So things to think through, things to plan realistically,
things to drop, things to pick up, things to reach out to, things to
shy away from...
I haven't gone through any self-development training in a while. My
sense of will is pretty stiff. I won't be set in my ways, I can't
afford to be. I dare not.
Leadership isn't completed by having followers (Even Osama has
followers, & his thing isn't pure...to me, but that's for another
blog).
I don't know what completes it. Perhaps it is completed when you're of
living memory for a long time & then a lot longer. Jesus, Socrates,
Aristotle, Leonardo da Vinci,...these few examples are proof in
themselves, that a great leader remains in memory for long. Memory of
what they had done. I am not certain if that's the definition of a
legacy. I haven't seen a Nigerian legacy that I can relate with...&
that helps me better define leadership. Nigeria has been rife with
personalities, with forces, but not with movements. No movements. Not
a single one. With all due respect & all protocols observed, Fela
wasn't a movement. His followers had no leaders among them. They
wanted to be him so badly, they forgot that he just wanted them to
live like free human beings, not as mentally enslaved zombies. 1997
was a dark year when his flame died. It marked the end of a force.
Emulation / imitation is the highest form of flattery. It is also the
strongest showing of the worth of a leader in the eyes of his
followers. The strongest is when the fallibility of the leader is
factored in, & the worth of his thoughts/paths are stronger still in
the lives of his followers, as evidenced in their lives.
So maybe I'm not really interested in that sort of responsibility
(pastors can have it!), but it would be an honour to birth a movement
in Nigeria. Our first, authentic movement. Not people determined to
parrot what they've heard, but who are willing '& able' to assimilate,
measure with discerning, deliver with higher fidelity, the real
message. I don't know the message Nigeria needs right now. I'm not
speaking of adding to church membership, I'm talking about saving
people's lives till they thrive, instead of rescuing their means of
'existing'.
Perhaps I'm already bearing the message & don't know it yet. Perhaps...
Well, I've got to get to clearing up my room. Then drawing up a
schedule to recognise my second chances & position myself to take
them.

Yes, I'm aware of the '1'. '2' will be the next post. Any suggestions?

--
Sent from my mobile device

Cameron Vidai (Do I hear a war cry?)

I'm going to work my ass off to achieve something I've left undone for
over a decade.
It was the summer of 1996 or so when I first spoke to Kunle Oludele,
Yegwa Ukpo, Tunde Anjorin about Cameron Vidai. It was a violent
comedy, loosely based on Golgo 13...if he had a sense of humor & a
sidekick called Num-num(If you're none of the afore mentioned, don't
bother wrapping your head around it...my mind is a labryinth of ideas
that fight for a chance to prove they can make a difference.)
He's evolved over time & will have his own dedicated blog. Will share
it with you...just felt I should introduce him here. And thank Manga
productions for their tainted influence on my then young mind.

Cameron Vidai starts here

--
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Playing in history

How many of us understand that history is hardly ever made
intentionally? When I watch series like Rome, where they humanise the
characters, I better appreciate my role in history. What I mean is,
the path a man/woman takes is ordered by the greater than all when so
many things are riding on their success or failure.
For example, what would the world have been like if Rome hadn't had
the wake-up calls from Atilla, Spartacus, Hannibal? None of these guys
succeeded in conquering Rome, but they're better remembered than the
barbarians who brought her down finally. I'm in this mood because I'm
in the mood. I have no better answer than that. It just might be a
sentence, a phrase or even a fledgling idea in a passing conversation
that might lead someone to commit to something too great for the mind
to understand in the immediate term.
On a final note, it is not cool to hope for the fall of another man.
But we all do it at some level or the other, for some reason or the
other. We forget that we could also hope to be better than the other
person. But, that takes more hard work.
Self-examination. And I'm first in line. :)

--
Sent from my mobile device

A poem

We punish me
So we can't be
Don't you agree?
Wholeheartedly.

Maybe you do
I pray it for you
What is still true
Love makes anew

Cruel to say?
Not in anyway
We can't stay
But you're in here
everyday

Broken promises
Dying wishes
Tell you what this is
I miss us, almost mrs.

What more to add
To the abstract & sad
Well, I am so glad
About the time we had

final word
we were a verb

--
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Air Vice Marshal Winston I. Aleyideino

What is the measure of a man? He was born in present day Adamawa on
children's day. He attended secondary school at Gindri Boys, Jos. He
joined the air force as a flight officer. He benefited from the Gen.
Ibrahim Babaginda coup as Governor of former Gongola state, was in
charge of the Nigerian Security Printing and Minting Company. He
retired as an Air Vice Marshal. Sought no political office, invested
in Aluminium sheet production. He died 5 days after his birthday.
This is what the public will know. What the public does not know however is:
He was my mother's very close friend. I was 8 years old when we met, &
I was sceptical of him at first. I'll paint the picture for you as
best as this handset will allow. My parents had been seperated 5 years
when we first met. I didn't have an alpha male in my life. I'd even
forgotten what my father looked like for a while. My mom was my world
(along with Batman, comics & television... I was a kid.) & I didn't
take kindly to anyone getting into the mix. I realised almost 20 years
later that he needed genuine friends around him, as powerful men are
wont to do...my mom's as genuine as they come. I didn't like how my
sister took to him so easily. It was when I was a teenager when we
started to talk. He was the first person to treat me like a man.
Sunday lunch at his home was curried chicken and rice. Traditionally
in Nigeria, the gizzard belongs to the head of the house. When I
picked the gizzard (unthinkingly, mind you) on one of those sundays, I
was reprimanded immediately by everybody seated at the table. Except
him. He brushed off the complaints by saying,"He's a man. Give him his
gizzard."
To get respect, you must give it. He got my respect at age 13. He
never lost it. Ever. I would spend about 2 hours every sunday, talking
with him. He spoke about pilot school in Canada, where you could play
football till 10 pm in natural light. He giggled at the memories of
being a cadet with a shaved head and wondering if he'd made a bad
career choice. He spoke about being human & tolerating it in other
people. He had his driver take my sister & I to school along with his
nieces Rebecca & Magdalene. Rebecca was so beautiful, my sister's
friend. Magdalene was a cherub with a stammer & a fear of talking
dolls (chucky wasn't cool). We're all grown up now. Haven't seen each
other in years. Rebecca is a mother of two. Don't know about Magdalene
yet.
I remember something about him that should be remembered. He was
married to a shrew. Too much of a gentleman to raise his hand, he bore
her boorish attitude until he divorced her. Her behaviour cost him
being the Chief of Air Staff. His wife would have been the chair of
the Air Force Officers' Wives Association. She didn't fit the post so
he didn't get his. I remember that when I'm tempted to mourn lost
love. No one really knows what's around the corner. He'd have made a
fine Chief of Air Staff. He also liked to pretend to be slow. His mind
was a serrated edged knife. He'd play slow to pick up, but he was
playing slow to anger. I took that from him. I took a lot of things
from him: Never be in a hurry, be patient with people, forgive, trust,
it's ok to be näive once in a while, know what you're doing, respect
first principles, vices come & go so choose yours well, don't stretch
yourself to please anyone other than yourself, be protective,
responsibility is expected of you so keep your head up & your
shoulders straight, true love isn't always romantic, how to be wise
isn't always clear until the moment has gone so keep your head at all
times, respect everyone, give with both hands & God will add to you in
return, to kill is easy as any coward will tell you, surrender isn't
defeat (of Shonekan), listen to both sides then conclude, your mind is
your best weapon so keep it sharp at all costs, forgive everything but
remember the lessons, people can suprise you pleasantly so give them
room to do so.
As I write this, I'm near trembling from the loss. My dad was jealous
of my relationship with uncle Winston. I wouldn't blame him(in form 4,
I came first in my biology class, I told my dad who proceeded to
intimate me with my other subjects. When I told uncle Winston, he was
happy & said he was proud of me).
He was more than an uncle to me. He wasn't a good father in the sense
that he wasn't available to his kids as they grew up. He made up for
it with me... I will do him proud. I promise myself that. I did it
once when my geography teacher, who knew him, threatened to tell him
of my poor grades if I didn't pick up. I did. I'm not tripped by
geography, but I crammed that shit into my brain until I could recite
the stuff in my sleep.
Good night, uncle Winston. I know you understand that this is for the
few who can understand. You'd have liked them too. I know it.

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